Through the window, the moonlight peeps in

 

  You were sitting in the corner of the café today, right along the back wall. I liked how you almost fell into the shadows but were not completely out of my view. I see you. 

 

You had your sleeves rolled up in your button-up. You have just gotten off work. You decided to decompress with herbal tea while you stared blankly at your laptop. Behind on your cases and stressed about deadlines. I can see the bags under your eyes. You don't end up typing anything, just looking at documents and your email. Bouncing between tabs like you will get the sudden burst of motivation you seek. 

 

 After an hour you finally finish your tea. You leave a tip on the table and pack up. I'm licking my lips as I can see your dainty hands grab the handle. I salivate as I see you strut down the street to your apartment. 

 

 Last night I pulled down your fire escape. The whole week prior I had been working on the joints and creaks to make it as quiet as possible. I don't wish to disturb your sleep. I just want to see, to understand. I wish to understand who you are when the world is dark, and your dreams are all you experience. 

I want to watch as your chest rises and falls. I will count each breath as you take it. 

 

I can't wait to see if you thrash when you have a nightmare or if you sleep completely still, still as a rock. We still have a few hours till sunset. So I'll wait for you, watching from my window as you get ready for our moment together. This will be our first time. Seeing in the night who we are at our most vulnerable. Your eyes closed susceptible to the dangers that await you in your unconscious. Me a creature of the night, perched where I could easily be seen. Caught red-handed engaging in my intrusive habits. 

 

I watched you turn thirty-one with your friends at your favorite bar. They brought you golden balloons and a cookie cake. I saw when you signed the lease for your apartment. I see you feed the birds once a week at the park on Fridays. I saw that one girl you brought home; I only saw you together once. You kissed in front of the window before you both disappeared. I thought it was interesting when you placed your bed in the middle of your room, perfectly centered from the window. Maybe, it was just for me. Sometimes I stay up for hours looking through my scope. I like to pretend in my head that we brush our teeth together. You finish before me and begin to make the bed. I spit out my toothpaste and I hear you sneaking up behind me for a minty kiss. We embrace before wiping our mouths and collapsing in bed. 

Then we'll wake up in the morning when the sunlight peeps through the window. 

 

I can't help it. This is the only way I feel I can get close to people. I've never been asked for my phone number, taken on a date, to hang out, to get my nails done, or to have coffee. I have no one. I never have. I barely had parents. I lived in a silent house with a silent mom with a father who made no noise when he walked. The floors didn't even creak. We had a cat that never meowed, even she was not interested in speaking to me. All I could do was watch. I watched my mom make dinner as she moved around like a ghost in jeans. I watched my dad enter the house and turn to close the door ever so gently. The windows made no noise when they opened, the wind never blew too hard. My world was quiet. All I had was my eyes. I watched the school bus drop off high schoolers, I watched the way they spoke to each other. When I went to school, I could hear the chatter and the teachers, but I never learned how to listen. Their sound vibrated off me, I was a soul they could not reach. 

 

I have watched all my life. You would never believe the things I have seen. These eyes hold many memories that countless have forgotten. I keep them tucked away, organized by enjoyment in my mind palace. Sometimes I look at my ceiling, lying in my bed. I close my eyes and play through my favorites so I can be there with them. So, I can experience the sun and life the way they do. There's a certain joy the people I watch seem to have. A sort of immersion of happiness I have never known. 

 

The sun has fallen. Movement in your house has ceased. I tie my boots and get in all black. I keep my hair out; I just washed it, and it looks pretty. I think you'd like to see it. I must wait to make my move until traffic has ceased. Multiple passing cars increase my chances of being seen. No one can see me do this. It needs to be just us. 

 

I tiptoe as soon as I leave my door. There is no need, but I must remain vigilant. I must keep everything together. I need to be perfect. This night must be perfect. I am ready. 

 

I wait a bit outside till I cross the street. I only walked downstairs, and I felt my breath becoming harder to hold. I am grasping at the oxygen around me. My world is spinning. I think I'm nervous. I can barely believe I am doing this. But I need to be with you. 

There's no traffic anymore. It's time to cross. I almost don't believe it when I see your fire escape ladder so close to me. Exactly within reach. I grab it with both hands and use my feet on the wall to walk myself up. I try to get up as quietly as possible, there's no guarantee you are asleep. I stay low, just below the windowpane. I turn my head up to see if there are any lights. None. Perfect. I pull my knees to me so I can see through the window. 

There you are. You sleep directly facing the window. The moonlight hits your face every night, how precious. I can see your resting face while you dream away, you look so peaceful. You sleep with a light fleece blanket just under your shoulders. I can see your chest rising and falling with each breath. I can see your chest tattoo I never knew you had. It's a bull, likely for your birthday. 

I sit here watching. I have synchronized my breath with yours as if we were lying together. I've been here so long my position has become uncomfortable. I shift to sit on my knees, careful to shift my weight slowly. I see you jerk suddenly in your sleep. It scared me. I jump, shaking the fire escape. The creaking is too much. 

You look me directly in my eyes, horrified.