She calls it a "do."
She had, she says, a bit of a "do."
And in that short word,
Accompanied with
... [+]
28th March, Tuesday afternoon again. The girl comes, sitting in the front of the classroom. She wears a white dress today with a long sleeve coat. She looks so weak, she always wears a long sleeve coat. She like an angel. I don't know her name. I don't dare to ask her. Let's just call her Angel. When I first saw her, I was attracted. She is beautiful. I sit behind her, looking at her long hair. I want to say hello to her, I want to be friend with her. However, I am too shy to do it. She is perfect but I am not. I am too simple and not good at talking with others. I don't have friends, but she has a lot. I simple that people don't notice me. We are totally different. I am the lone ranger but she is so famous. I dare to talk with her. Maybe she doesn't want to be friends with me. I was satisfied with just sitting behind her and looking at her every Tuesday. She is smart. She always answers the question in class. She is cheerful. She always smiles, smiles when she is talking with friends, smiles when she says hello to others. Her smile like the sun which shinning me.
" That's all for today's lesson, see you guys next week."
She is packing her things. She leaves the room and walks through the corridor. I don't know why my foot is out of my control. I follow her step and walk away from school. Suddenly, rain drop down from the sky. She quickly runs into a shopping mall. She just walks around and waits for the rain to stop. I follow her, I am quite happy that the rain gives me chance to stay with her. She walks into a book shop and picks up the book "Anna Karenina" written by Lev Tolstoy. She focuses on reading the book which is the most charming moment. When she is holding the book, I can see there is band aid cover on her exposed wrist. Oh, is she hurt? What happened to her? She loves literature, walking around the bookshelf, from western to eastern. From Friedrich Nietzsche to Hemingway, from Anne Seton to Sarah Kane.
Leaving the bookshop, we walk into a record store. She stops in front of a display board and takes the earphone to listen to the music. She is dazed, just looking at the wall without any things inside her eyes. She doesn't smile anymore. Her eyes are wet. She is sensibility that will touch by a song. I am curious about what she is listening. She takes away the earphones and walks away. I walk to the display board, take up the earphones, inside is Symphony No.5 by Beethoven. What is the touching point to her? I don't know. I am curious. She leaves, I quickly put down the earphones and follow her. She goes into the café, buys a cup of caramel latte. Oh, caramel, which is as sweet as her. I find a seat at the corner and look at her quietly. She is reading "A Writer's Diary" written by Virginia Woolf. She concentrates on the book without smile. I can't tell why she looks unusual. Her face is sad, without smile. Her eyes are dull, look weak and haggard. Although she is reading the book, she is absent-minded.
She closes the book and leaves the café. There is a notebook left in the chair. I walk to the table she sits and picks up the notebook. Maybe I can return to her next week. This is a chance for me to talk to her.
One week passed, she is absent today.
Another week passed, she is not here again.
I open the notebook to find out any contact of her. It is a diary, her diary
9th September
This is the third week that I suffer from insomnia. I always wake up at 4:48 in the morning. It is difficult to fall asleep. I can't sleep! Every night I lie in the bed and look at the ceiling. I listen to music to let myself relax, I take sleeping pills to help me sleep. All of these are no use for me! What should I do? Anyone can help me? My dear god, can you please help me?
12th September
I go to see the doctor. She gives me some medicine. She said it can help me to sleep.
10th October
Anne and Sarah find me hiking this weekend but I rejected. I have no mood on it. I am not interested in doing any things. I open my computer and sit in front of it. I open the document, but I don't want to do the assignments. I open YouTube, I have no mood to watch the films. I feel tired and just want to lie in my bed. I don't want to move, even leave my bed.
28th October
I skip the lesson and go to the hospital for the follow-up medical treatment. Doctor said my weight was lower down. I am thinner than before. The amount of medicine increased, from 2 kinds to 5 kinds.
3rd November
Today I go to watch a play written by Sarah Kane called "4.48 psychosis". I love her works. I think I am similar to her. She is talented but unfortunately dead at 28 years old.
20th November
There are many assignments and deadline. I feel anxious. I try my best to do it. But it seems difficult to me. I am worried about my grade. My life seems to be so meaningless, every day I just work hard to meet the deadline. I go to school every morning and I leave school at night. That's not school. It's just like a jail. I don't know the meaning of my life. There are only study and GPA left in my life.
I can't see that hope.
I am shocked when I read her diary up to this page. She is cheerful and always smiles. But it seems not what I see in the diary. I don't understand her or I don't even know who she is. She is happy in front of others, but the actual her is not like what she shows. Is that her? Or is this her diary? I am curious. There are creases on this page. Someone creased the paper.
2nd December
The end of the semester is coming. I feel so tired, I don't have mood to do my revision. I feel guilty of spending whole day sitting in front of the computer and doing nothing. What should I do now? I am worried! The exam is coming. I cry at night, covering myself with a quilt. I am so anxious.
My memory is worse than before. I need to spend more time on remember the content of books. I can't concentrate on the lesson. What happens to me?
I see many lines drawn on the paper irregularly. This page is messy. She draws a big cross on this page.
24th February
Today I sitting in the classroom looking at the outside. Some things come to my mind. I am standing on the rooftop of the building outside the window. I walk slowly to the edge of the rooftop, one step, two steps......and suddenly jump down. I feared the things that come into my mind. I want to concentrate on what the teacher said. But I can't......
What going next? This page was shredded. Some parts of this page are missing.
27th March
I skip the lesson again for no reason. I don't wanna go out and hanging with others. I don't wanna talk with others. I don't wanna leave the house.......
I feel tired
I feel hopeless
I.........
There are some red dots on this page. Is that red ink? Or......is that blood? I can't imagine. Or I don't dare to imagine. Under the red dots, there is a quote written on the paper :
"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on the way."
I think I don't know about her. Every Tuesday I saw her, she is perfect. She always smiles and has many friends. She looks happy. But this is just the fake her in front of others. She hid all her sadness. I always notice her, but I even don't notice what she is suffering.
Days passed so fast, today is the last lesson of this course. She is still not here. I can't find her. She seems like disappear. I don't know where she is. I didn't see her for many days, from the day I pick up her diary.
She disappears.
" That's all for today's lesson, see you guys next week."
She is packing her things. She leaves the room and walks through the corridor. I don't know why my foot is out of my control. I follow her step and walk away from school. Suddenly, rain drop down from the sky. She quickly runs into a shopping mall. She just walks around and waits for the rain to stop. I follow her, I am quite happy that the rain gives me chance to stay with her. She walks into a book shop and picks up the book "Anna Karenina" written by Lev Tolstoy. She focuses on reading the book which is the most charming moment. When she is holding the book, I can see there is band aid cover on her exposed wrist. Oh, is she hurt? What happened to her? She loves literature, walking around the bookshelf, from western to eastern. From Friedrich Nietzsche to Hemingway, from Anne Seton to Sarah Kane.
Leaving the bookshop, we walk into a record store. She stops in front of a display board and takes the earphone to listen to the music. She is dazed, just looking at the wall without any things inside her eyes. She doesn't smile anymore. Her eyes are wet. She is sensibility that will touch by a song. I am curious about what she is listening. She takes away the earphones and walks away. I walk to the display board, take up the earphones, inside is Symphony No.5 by Beethoven. What is the touching point to her? I don't know. I am curious. She leaves, I quickly put down the earphones and follow her. She goes into the café, buys a cup of caramel latte. Oh, caramel, which is as sweet as her. I find a seat at the corner and look at her quietly. She is reading "A Writer's Diary" written by Virginia Woolf. She concentrates on the book without smile. I can't tell why she looks unusual. Her face is sad, without smile. Her eyes are dull, look weak and haggard. Although she is reading the book, she is absent-minded.
She closes the book and leaves the café. There is a notebook left in the chair. I walk to the table she sits and picks up the notebook. Maybe I can return to her next week. This is a chance for me to talk to her.
One week passed, she is absent today.
Another week passed, she is not here again.
I open the notebook to find out any contact of her. It is a diary, her diary
9th September
This is the third week that I suffer from insomnia. I always wake up at 4:48 in the morning. It is difficult to fall asleep. I can't sleep! Every night I lie in the bed and look at the ceiling. I listen to music to let myself relax, I take sleeping pills to help me sleep. All of these are no use for me! What should I do? Anyone can help me? My dear god, can you please help me?
12th September
I go to see the doctor. She gives me some medicine. She said it can help me to sleep.
10th October
Anne and Sarah find me hiking this weekend but I rejected. I have no mood on it. I am not interested in doing any things. I open my computer and sit in front of it. I open the document, but I don't want to do the assignments. I open YouTube, I have no mood to watch the films. I feel tired and just want to lie in my bed. I don't want to move, even leave my bed.
28th October
I skip the lesson and go to the hospital for the follow-up medical treatment. Doctor said my weight was lower down. I am thinner than before. The amount of medicine increased, from 2 kinds to 5 kinds.
3rd November
Today I go to watch a play written by Sarah Kane called "4.48 psychosis". I love her works. I think I am similar to her. She is talented but unfortunately dead at 28 years old.
20th November
There are many assignments and deadline. I feel anxious. I try my best to do it. But it seems difficult to me. I am worried about my grade. My life seems to be so meaningless, every day I just work hard to meet the deadline. I go to school every morning and I leave school at night. That's not school. It's just like a jail. I don't know the meaning of my life. There are only study and GPA left in my life.
I can't see that hope.
I am shocked when I read her diary up to this page. She is cheerful and always smiles. But it seems not what I see in the diary. I don't understand her or I don't even know who she is. She is happy in front of others, but the actual her is not like what she shows. Is that her? Or is this her diary? I am curious. There are creases on this page. Someone creased the paper.
2nd December
The end of the semester is coming. I feel so tired, I don't have mood to do my revision. I feel guilty of spending whole day sitting in front of the computer and doing nothing. What should I do now? I am worried! The exam is coming. I cry at night, covering myself with a quilt. I am so anxious.
My memory is worse than before. I need to spend more time on remember the content of books. I can't concentrate on the lesson. What happens to me?
I see many lines drawn on the paper irregularly. This page is messy. She draws a big cross on this page.
24th February
Today I sitting in the classroom looking at the outside. Some things come to my mind. I am standing on the rooftop of the building outside the window. I walk slowly to the edge of the rooftop, one step, two steps......and suddenly jump down. I feared the things that come into my mind. I want to concentrate on what the teacher said. But I can't......
What going next? This page was shredded. Some parts of this page are missing.
27th March
I skip the lesson again for no reason. I don't wanna go out and hanging with others. I don't wanna talk with others. I don't wanna leave the house.......
I feel tired
I feel hopeless
I.........
There are some red dots on this page. Is that red ink? Or......is that blood? I can't imagine. Or I don't dare to imagine. Under the red dots, there is a quote written on the paper :
"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on the way."
I think I don't know about her. Every Tuesday I saw her, she is perfect. She always smiles and has many friends. She looks happy. But this is just the fake her in front of others. She hid all her sadness. I always notice her, but I even don't notice what she is suffering.
Days passed so fast, today is the last lesson of this course. She is still not here. I can't find her. She seems like disappear. I don't know where she is. I didn't see her for many days, from the day I pick up her diary.
She disappears.