I am waiting… I am waiting.
I have always been waiting.
My eyes are closed, as they have always been.
My hands float in front of my face, and even if I can’t see them, I know exactly... [+]
So after hearing my husband died, I laid in a hospital for a week, ultimately missing his funeral. I was able to live stream, or whatever the kids say these days, his funeral but that wasn't enough. Now I don't have the strength to do anything without him. Jack was my everything and now without him I'm nothing. When they told me I need to do therapy to walk again my energy dropped. He's the only one who can help me.
I haven't walk since he lived. It's been six long months. I haven't even prayed about it. I had to admit, I despised God for taking the love of my life away.
My children don't know what to do with me anymore. They plead with me every day to do the therapy. I refused so often they stopped asking. I'm just glad they visit. I can still see him in their face. It took me this long to appreciate the children looking more like him than me.I'm glad they're around.
One of my children, Samantha, decided to get me out of my funk. She was always the one I could count on. She pushed my wheelchair all to way to a place unknown. She always lets the place explain itself. I was too impatient for that so I kept bugging her. “Where we going, sweetie?”
“You know I'm not going to tell you, mom.” Samantha said. She's been telling me this since she was 5. To my surprise, she never did magic. She's the master of illusion. Used to be a little con artist and I had to always apologize to parents. I should've gotten her in trouble but she didn't seem to do harm. She always gave back what she stole. She just wanted to prove something. I have no idea what she's trying to prove today.
My wheelchair was parked in a circle of old people. I was only 53, she can't get me yet. “Samantha I'm not 80 yet. You can't place me in a nursing home.” I whispered to her. “You're not. Please just listen to what's happening today.” She walked away from me and sat at a chair in the middle. “Okay, I see we have a new face. Would you like to introduce yourself?” knew she was talking to me. She's acting like I'm not her mother.
“I'm Georgie and I was forced to come.” I smiled. “Just like the rest of us.” Some said and laughed. Samantha vegan asking others how it's been and I noticed a trend. Everyone's spouse died.
This was like AA but with dead partners. I wanted to cry and roll away but something stopped me. This one woman was talking that touched me. She said her husband before he died, tried to help her stop smoking. He passed before she was able to come her addiction. He died from secondhand smoking. She was able to use that to motivate her to stop smoking. She has now been 10 years without a single cigarette. I've never seen thought him about what he would've wanted. Jack would probably be pushing me to get off my butt.
I called the physical therapy place the day after. I remembered what Jack used to tell me. “They day you give up, is the day you die.” Slowly I have been able to walk and been going to the meetings. After 14 long weeks, I was able to walk. I might not have Jack but I know I have to do everything to live a life he would be proud of. I have to the chance that not everyone has, to walk. I will not give up till I'm proud of myself like Jack was of me.