The heaviness in his eyes grew stronger and stronger despite the rough field, a desperate need for sleep, even if was only a few minutes. His body burned because the battle; his fallen comrades and the spilled blood haunted him. 

How could he wish rest and hidden on dreams about her after all he had done? He was unworthy of her gaze. Even if it was only in his own mind. 

 

"She" was Helena, the princess he had sworn to protect and for whom he fought until he last breath every day. With the joy of one day being able to return to her side and be her personal knight again.
But the mere thought of knowing there was another one being her personal knight worried him more than he wanted to admit. He was terrified, he was devastated, thinking about how his replacement wouldn't be strong enough to save her from some danger. He was more worried about losing the princess's life than losing his own life; he would die peacefully if that would secure her from shedding a single drop of her royalty blood.

 

Hours passed, and the medicine arrived suddenly. With a single injection of that liquid, his body was flooded with a surge of adrenaline, allowing him to remain useful for several hours, becoming again and again the weapon they needed for the victory. Despite the effects of the medicine after a few hours, his favorite moment was when he felt it through his veins.

 

 

 

There, in the middle of the field, he could see his princess among them all. He ran, cutting down every blurry enemy who stood in his way. He lost count of how many soldiers fell and stained his own hands. When he was finally close to her, he raised his hand, ready to take her and carry her away from that disgusting scene. But his hand slipped in the air, and when he looked up, she had already gone. She was always there, but he couldn't get close; she always appeared after the medicine and he never managed to get her out of the field. Wasn't he strong enough? Why couldn't he reach her in time before she disappeared again and again?

 

That night, he relived all her memories over and over again as he finally fell into the sleep he had needed for days; it wasn't nightmares this time. This time there were no screams or tears upon waking. 

 

-And today, on your 15th birthday, I give you the honor of being the chief knight in charge of my daughter! Now, you may say your oath- The king had spoken to him, a long time ago, in a hall full of royalty people, all eyes on him. He could feel a pressure in his chest burning inside. The princess was standing next to her father with her gaze fixed on the boy who, even without being yet her personal knight, had already promised to give his life for her. 

 

-I solemnly swear to care and protect Princess Helena, to give my life for her, her tears will become my scars, her blood running down her skin will become my greatest fear- He said with conviction- Today I swear that the princess Helena will have nothing to fear, I will take care of everything that terrifies her; her fears will be my battles and her life my most precious treasure- The king smiled with satisfaction, handing over his new sword, which shone brighter than ever, a strong weapon for his favorite weapon.

 

Opening his eyes again, he prayed to return to his dream, to a time when he wouldn't have to spill that crimson liquid that weighed so heavily on his hands and made the sword slip through his fingers. He only wanted to go home and be worthy of doing whatever he desired, to be like those greedy monarchs. But life had condemned him. 

 

Donning his armor, he was forcibly freed from all his desires, brought back to reality. He returned to the front, and with each step, with each movement of his sword, he felt as if he were being torn apart. 

 

The knight went to hide in the woods. Among the trees, a melody enveloped him, a lullaby he would recognize anywhere. He ran toward the voice, his muscles still aching. The profile of a girl met his gaze. He would recognize Helena anywhere. He tried to speak, but he didn't find his own voice, mesmerized by the melody and the sight before him. His heart raced as she continued singing as if nothing were happening. Outside these woods, people were losing their lives, and she radiated light, she radiated life. If only the other soldiers could hear her, the war would surely end. He blinked in astonishment, and when he opened his eyes again, she was gone.

 

-Helena!- He shouted her name, searched all over the meadow, stepping on the flowers, she had already gone.

 

The next days were the same, the same routine of fighting and the same highs from the medicine... But one morning the routine broken, when he left his tent there were shouts everywhere, but this time it was not of terror, white flags raised all over the field.

-We're going home! We're leaving, this nightmare is over! - exclaimed one of the soldiers with a broad smile. But, how could that nightmare ever truly end? Not after everything he had seen, everything he had done, the blood on his hands, and the weight on his shoulders. None of it would ever disappear, the nightmares would haunt him for the rest of his life; his pockets, once overflowing with medals from the now fallen, would never again be filled with the names of those soldiers.

 

Returning home felt endless; the medicine, not being in his system, kept him tired almost all the time. He saw things that disappeared instantly, he heard screams when no one else did, he laughs as if it had been a bad joke, because he really heard it.

 

A banquet and luxury ceremony awaited them upon their arrival: Wine, mountains of food, dancing, and singing filled the air all day. The mere presence of such a joyous place made him nauseous. He spent the entire afternoon presenting medals to the families of the fallen. While everyone laughed, he focused on those who wept for their losses, summoning all his strength to maintain his composure and avoid breaking down for their fallen comrades.

Night fell and the ceremony began. The princess and her father, the king, sat on the throne, thanking them and offering a toast to all who had fought.

-Knight, please, come forward- the king said. He approached the king with a firm step, kneeling before him. -I hereby bestow upon you the title of Knight-in-Chief of the Royal Guard, for all your deeds, for all those you saved. Without you, the war would have been a massacre for us-

The crowd cheered and congratulated him as he grasped his new sword. Another weapon for his most used weapon. Why did they never say his name at the ceremonies? He needed to remember it. He knew he had one, but it had been so long since he'd heard it. They referred to him as "squire", and when he grew up, he became "knight", but never by his real name. Was he even human? Or had all his atrocities turned him into a monster, deprived of the right to an identity?

They congratulated him on the battle, but he didn't remember winning anything. He didn't know why the war had stopped, but everyone seemed to. They presented him with robes for the grand event.

-Grand event? -

-The wedding!-

The next morning, a wedding... The princess married the prince of the enemy kingdom... That was the end of the war, selling Helena as he had been sold long ago too. His duty continued. He had to keep defending the crown. While she married, he was on duty, seeing everything from beneath his silver helmet, hoping that at least she would be happy. 

In any case, a monster like him wasn't worthy of someone as divine as she.