To Find Yourself

4 min
Her magical world showed her biggest fears, how she was being consumed by her own mind.
She saw a Dream, a Princess and a monster that were herself, all of them, part of her that she couldn’t see or was denied to see and it is that when you suffer from a mental illness you feel as if you have to hide out of the fear of what everybody else would think of you.
She noticed that, she noticed that she was hurting herself by putting aside her dreams just because she
didn’t want to ask for help, she was afraid of losing her pride, her ego and her love ones by admitting
she wasn’t ok...
But that monster should never hurt again a Princess* or a Dream*

She woke up calmly, not as she would have thought she would feel after such a dream. She moved on her bed, trying to escape the rays of sun that were trying to sneak into her room. Her cat, Luna, meowed at her side and the smell of fried food came from the kitchen.
“Wait” She reached her phone, it was 11:15 Am, not bad for her usual struggle for her wake when it was still morning. -Mom is here, great-
She pulled down her sheets and got up to stretch her back but them something got her attention. In the middle of her bed there was a lotus flower, on with its petals of a pinkish pink she had never seen before. -Luna, you brought this? - The cat gave her a look in response and the just left the room. She recognized the color from the petal the dream “Dream” gave her when she wanted to “call her”, when she wanted to rebuilt her future.
“Are you planning to wake up?” Her mother, a woman in her late 50’s with a modern haircut entered the room, even if she seemed angry there was something different in her.
“I’m sorry I had a bad night- she said absently while passing her eyes to her mom and vice versa. -Did you put this on my bed?”
“No, I don’t have much time here, I came to pay a visit, maybe we can eat together and go shopping later, I’m planning to stay for a few days if you don’t mind, maybe that way you won’t leave your keys outside where any stranger could take it and enter your department, you probably forgot them when you entered last night and closed the door without realizing they were still on the door, you are that forgetful” The mom raised an eyebrow while putting the an old looking key on her side, the same that princess gave her on her dream. Suddenly smell of burned food filled up the place; cooking wasn’t exactly the strong point of any of them but they already knew something was wrong if the room was full of smoke. -The fried cheese, I have to go, get ready and come to eat-
The girl stayed in her room felling way more confused, just a look at her side and she could see her only copy of keys hanging from her bag. Without any more hesitation, as driven by a sudden wave of energy, she got up to go to the bathroom, the images of last night’s dream still vivid in her mind.
She tried to remember what she did, she just remembered being in her computer reading manga as every night, she the remembered the noise and that was it, the rest was her inside of her chaotic mind. What if someone entered her house and drugged her? But her belongings where still there: her phone, her computer, even the money was there.
Another terrible idea came to her, so she checked up her body but she didn’t see or feel anything different and according to her mom her door was closed, with the key on the other side but closed, and the windows were fine. But what if something terrible happened and she didn’t remember, what if the monster of her dream had possessed her body without controlling it, What if...
But something in her told her that the key and the flower she just found meant something good, even with her thoughts coming back with her for a new day, she actually felt hope just by the sight of those objects.
“I want you to rise and shine eternally and now you are the only one that knows what is the best step to take to rebuild yourself into the form the universe wants you to be”
The words came back again as if Abel where besides her again telling her. She looked around, no one was here. Unconsciously, she put her hand on her chest, feeling a necklace with and star-shaped medal on her fingers, she didn’t remember when it got there. Immediately she looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, it seemed as if the silver star would shine even brighter because it was on her skin. The she realized something else, for the first time after an endless night, she could see her reflection clearly. She could see her eyes, nose and lips together, making sense. On her eyes, she could see bags and the sight of tiredness and curiosity, she even thought they were pretty and when she made a smile to check on her mouth, she realized that her smile was beautiful and gentle...Nothing like the monster she saw, and believed, she was.
Then she saw a spot of acne on one of her cheeks, her brows where messy and she definitely needed to wash her hair, for that moment all that saw was gone – “ugly”’- she thought and the thought hurt.
Then she remembered princess, the young version of herself, with all the bruises she had because of ill she thought of herself. She wanted to save her.
“No, beautiful” She repeated as if trying to convince herself, but again her mind was travelling fast, she was already thinking she was weak and unworthy of save herself.
“No, I don’t want this but I don’t know how” She said, looking down, feeling the weight of the battle she was about to face settling in.
“You don’t have to lock yourself down and battle by yourself in secret anymore, you know this but you denied it, you have an infinite power to heal yourself and your world, you are strong but you are playing with your ego... “Again, his voice.
With deep a breath, she looked at the lotus flower and the promised of Dream, how she was hanging on hope, how she was the possibility to a bright future but she was erasing her by mistreating her present. She also wanted to save her, and to see who would she become. So, with a brief but powerful determination in her eyes she looked at herself, said her name as if she didn’t want to forget it again -Alice- and prayed for what she was about to do, because it was something that would tear her apart, that would put her naked in the front life of a deadly battle and at the eye of everyone she knew. She now had to forget the price roar with the courage she was taking out from her deepest core. She was afraid of what she was doing but she was doing it either
“Being courageous does not mean you nerve feel fear, but it means you don’t let it win”
She now could feel what that meant, because she was shaking and her mind running with all the worse possibilities, but that was something she needed to do for herself.
“Mom” she said firmly as she steps out her room, her mother looked up from the plate she was serving as she was seeing someone new in the place of her daughter.
“I need help”

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