All things at the molecular level are made of energy. Energy cannot be destroyed. In the end it merely changes form.
I open my eyes with anticipation. Good, I think to myself, I am still here. The room is dimly lit. There is soft music playing and faintly I can hear the sound of someone snoring. The blanket feels cold, sterile and heavy against my skin. I wish they would take it off. There is the smell perfume in the air. I can feel someone stroking my hair, it feels good. I am not sure who it is but I like the feeling I close my eyes and drift off again.
The drifting has become familiar now. I think I do it more than the other part. The part that is bright and noisy most of the time. The drifting part is dark, deep and comforting. I believe I should like to stay here in the dark part but something keeps pulling me back to the other place....
I have no idea how long I’ve been here, sometimes it feels like only a few moments have passed. But when I am back in the bright place there are different sounds, different voices and different smells so I’m sure it has been much longer than it feels. It doesn’t bother me any more like it used to. I just float in the dark peaceful place. It feels so good to do nothing. It feels so good to not be in pain anymore.
I open my eyes in anticipation. The light is extremely bright this time. There are voices. People are talking to each other. I can feel their hands on me now for a moment I am afraid.
“We’re going to roll you onto your site now,” the voice says “we’re going to clean your bottom.”
Clean my bottom? I no longer felt I had a bottom or top for that matter I think vaguely. I close my eyes as the bright place slowly turns onto its side....
Something is making it hard to breathe now. I want to open my eyes but even that seems hard to do. So I float in the quiet dark taking small shallow sips of air.
“Mom...Mom? Can you hear me? Mama?”
I am trying to open my eyes, to focus on the sound of the voice but where is it coming from. Behind me? Below me, in front? I really cannot tell. I feel like I am on fire. Suffocating. The air is thick. My mouth is so dry. Suddenly there’s something cool and damp above my eyes. It feels so soothing.....
Back in the dark, calm place I float. Peaceful. Serene. There is no struggling like in the bright place. I’m not even sure if I’m breathing anymore. But, I must be because I still feel like me mostly. In the dark place I have been watching what seems to be a movie for sometime before I realize the movie is about me, my life. It has been playing in reverse. I have been watching all the moments of my lifetime. Sometimes with smiles, sometimes with tears. Some moments of have brought joy. Some have brought regrets. At times I wanted to scream at it myself. Shout out a warning but no sounds ever came so I understood I was to only watch my life in front of my eyes.
“Are you ready?”, a familiar voice calls to me. I open my eyes. The bright light softens to a warm hearth like glow. There is no one here, no one I can see. The voices are familiar even though I cannot place them “Are you ready?” The voice asks again.
I think I should go but then the feeling that I shouldn’t go consumes me.
“Mama?” I hear from another place. Somewhere behind me, “ It’s OK Mom, it is OK to go.”
My thoughts are so scattered. Go? Where am I going? Focus. I can’t go. I remember my children. A feeling of regret. I cannot leave my children.
“Mama, we are all here around you and we are OK. Everything here is fine. Mama, they are waiting for you. Everyone there, daddy, Grandma and Grandpa are there. They are all waiting for you.”
It feels colder now. The feeling of the warm hands on my skin and brushing my hair is fading. My eyes search the darkness but I am alone. The sound of my family is muffled and distant. There is a new sound a growing sound coming from some other place. I think I will just rest here quietly, just to see what happens next. Vaguely I hear someone saying she’s gone and then there is weeping.
No, I think, I’m not gone. I am right here. Aren’t I supposed to float up and looked at myself. Isn’t there supposed to be a doorway or white light in a tunnel. Something, anything? But there isn’t, there’s only darkness and silence. Grief overwhelms me. The memory of my family is disappearing as the other sound is growing louder. I am aware of pressure surrounding me, squeezing me. I cannot see and I am not breathing. I’m being pushed along some long dark warm passage. The sound ahead seems to be voices.The muffled sound is growing louder.
There is pressure, some much pressure all around me. I want to get out of here. I am so restricted. I can’t move. This has to stop. I cannot stand this anymore. Be brave a voice whispers to me, through me. Be brave, it’s almost over.
The squeezing pressure surrounding me surrenders. A hint of cool fresh air grazes where I know the top of my head to be. Again, the pressure envelops me. It is almost unbearable please stop, I think. I am afraid this cannot be good. The area I I know is my shoulders is being pressed down and back in a tight squeeze.
“COME ON YOU’RE ALMOST THERE!” I can hear. “I CAN SEE HAIR!” The same voice says excitedly. The pressure starts again. Please make this stop. I want to breath, but I can’t. FOCUS. Be brave the voice whispers again. Whatever this is I can handle it. Where ever it is I am going I can do it.
“Ok, here we go. With this one I want you to bear down and push with everything you got.”
The pressure. I am moving again. Sliding slowly. Cool air is wafting over my face. I want to open my eyes but they are covered by something. Hands. There are hands on me but not the warm gentle hands I vaguely remember these are urgent hands pulling at me.
“Come on you can do it, babe!”
The pressure. Be brave. Be brave. A wave flows through me. I am calm, no longer afraid. The memory of my family has dissolved. All that exists is the urgent need to get out.
“One more push!...That’s it!..That’s it!
My shoulders are free and the rest of me follows. Hands, there are hands moving all over me. The air is cold. The light it is bright. I want to scream and I do. Loudly.
“It’s a boy!”
I open my eyes in anticipation. Good, I think, I am here.