The empty womb

3 min

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Image of Spring 2019
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The wind blew with a gust making the black veil slip from Saira’s head; she grabbed it tightly and covered her face, trying to make herself as inconspicuous as possible. Finally she reached the preset meeting point and quickly turned the corner hoping no one from her family or neighbourhood had seen her leave. As promised, Adil was waiting for her under the tree with his motorcycling revving, ready to drive off as soon as she sat behind him. She heaved a sigh of relief sure that no one had seen her, and finally relaxed enough to start enjoying the illicit ride with this man she hardly knew.

Saira belonged to a poor family who had seen struggle, deprivation and hunger for as long as she could remember. She had gone to a local state owned school for her primary education but it ended as soon as she was old enough to earn and contribute to the meager earnings of the family. In all these years she had worked as a sweepress, a house maid, a baby sitter, and now a cook, slowly climbing up the hierarchy of domestic help and earning a reasonable salary. Though she enjoyed the freedom of being able to move around on her own and spend a bit of her money on small treats, there were days when she felt burdened by the weight of her parents expectations and the drudgery of a long and hard day. Like all girls of her age, she spent many hours daydreaming of meeting a handsome man and getting married to him.

Her daily walk to work required her to cross a mechanics shop where each day she craned her neck to look for the handsome and burly mechanic who was always shouting orders at his team. Once in a while their eyes met and though she quickly averted her eyes, it always made her blush and wanting more. After many weeks of trying to catch each others eyes, one day she found the young man standing on the road almost blocking her way. It took only a few encounters for Saira to lose her shyness and for the conversation to become more comfortable leading to an arrangement to meet alone. Though she knew that her family would not approve of her talking and meeting a strange man, but the drudgery of her days and the lack on any better prospect propelled her and she agreed to meet Adil and go on a drive with him.

She kept her face covered while Adil drove through the familiar streets of her neighbourhood, and only once they had entered unknown zones did she relax and let her veil down. They rode around town for hours holding on tightly to each other, till he stopped in a remote and vacant plot. Promising to never leave her and send his parents to her house to ask for her hand in marriage, he convinced her that their physical closeness was only a way of expressing his ardent love. One thing led to another, and Saira found herself caught in the physical love of two people, exciting and powerful,yet darkened by the shadows of social and cultural norms.

It took a few months for Saira to realize that she was pregnant; this realization was followed by disbelief, fear and shock. She tried to contact Adil to remind him of his ‘true love’ and his long overdue marriage proposal, but he was not to be found at his place of work nor was he responding to her desperate phone calls. The fear of being an unwed mother in a society who viewed this as a crime almost stopped her heart on many occasions, only to be revived back to reality by a study kick in her womb. Her womb became heavy and her stomach swelled more and more each day till the sinful reality became a loud scream for all to hear. Her parents beat her black and blue out of anger and shame, the neighbours shunned her and her younger sisters blamed her for their lack of future prospects.

The months passed and Saira stayed indoors away from prying eyes, till one cold, winter morning her water broke. The pain became unbearable and she screamed and screamed till she was hoarse, hoping her voice would carry far and reach her unfaithful lover. Though her heart ached at the thought that Adil had deserted her in such a condition, the impending arrival of her child gave her strength and she pushed and pushed till her little boy slid out onto a dirty sheet. The midwife quickly wrapped the baby in a blanket and handed him over to Saira’s mother who was watching from the corner of the room. Saira could see her mother take the baby and leave the small room; she wanted to call out for him but the sedative given to her by the midwife kicked in and she fell in a deep slumber.

She must have slept for long because when she woke up, night had fallen and a small light was burning in the corner of the room. She called out to her mother asking to see her son, eager to see the prospect of a better future in his tiny eyes. She wanted to hold him close and suckle him to her breast in the hope that the emptiness and shame in her life would now be filled by this child borne from her womb. She called and called for her baby but no one responded. And as she screamed louder for him, she knew that she would never, ever hold him close to her breast: that he had been taken far away from her to wipe clean the shame and dishonour brought upon her family, and that she would spend the rest of her life with a large gaping hole in her womb, her heart and her soul. As she imagined her baby lying in a crib far away with his little mouth puckered and wanting her breast, she felt a flash of physical pain in her empty womb,: her world collapsed around her and she began to howl and scream like a wounded animal till all her inside became empty and she could scream no more!

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