Why does the concept of extraterrestrial life feel so alien? What if I told you that my father lives in Mars, a small town in Pennsylvania? Is truth really stranger than fiction? Are you certain?

On a scale of one to ten, how much ennui are you feeling? How much angst? Why does it feel like my daily choices don’t matter? Would you like fries with that?

Did you know the word cool has been replaced by the word dope? Wouldn’t that qualify as age discrimination? And when did adulting become a word?

How do writers with young children ever finish a book, short of neglecting their parental duties? How many diapers have I changed in the past two years? Thousands? Is there some kind of app for toilet training?

Why does the middle get overshadowed by the beginning and the end? And why do the coastal elites think the middle of America is filled with depraved rednecks?

Should I go with a thirty-year, fixed-rate mortgage? In thirty years, will I be fixed? What do fixers do, by the way? At any rate, what was I talking about? Buying a house? They rejected my offer, but it was worth a shot, right? Which do you prefer, a jump shot or a slap shot? What ever happened to the hook shot? Do you take an extra shot in your latte? Pat Benatar, why won’t you hit me with your best shot?

Is my chronic heartburn a metaphor? How is basic health care not a basic right? Why do old people fear socialism when it will help them the most?

If you could return to childhood, would you? Was the poet Jack Gilbert right? Is the village no better than Pittsburgh, only Pittsburgh is more than Pittsburgh? And what about love? Is love not enough? Is it ever enough?

Did you know the lead singer of Poison is from my hometown, an old steel mill town north of Pittsburgh? Why does every rose has a thorn? This begs the question: who will get the final rose tonight? Wait, you don’t watch The Bachelor? Isn’t that illegal?

Does March ever go out like a lamb? And why is April so cruel? Because more mass shootings have happened in April than any other month?

Religion or politics: which do you hate discussing the most? Why is there so much hate in the world? Why do most old white men still not get it? If I let go of the hate in my heart, will you? What about you, Mr. Trump?

When will it end? Or has it even started?