Life as I know it

3 min
It all started with a misunderstanding at least that is what I keep telling myself, I’m sure he didn’t really mean it, how could he. We have been married for over 10 years, and something like this has never happened before, This somehow has to be a big mistake. Now I’m in shock and in pain, as I’m holding the back of my head with my hands. It starts feeling warm and wet; what do I do? I finally muster up the courage to remove one of my Hands and try to access the damage. Bright Red; I look at him, trying to collect my thoughts. I don’t really know what to say; I mean what would you say? I look down from exhaustion, now I see that there is blood on the ground. I don’t know how long I have been standing here. Everything is slowly starting to come into focus, I need to stop the bleeding. I hear him in the background trying to apologize but you can’t undue the damage that has already been done. I just start walking somewhere, anywhere.I see him running past me yelling for help.

I’m in the bathroom looking in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself. Who is this other reflection staring at me? I am not this person, I cant be. Warm red blood dripping down my left cheek; some of it has already started to dry up and crust over. There is dirt all over me, from the work that I have been doing in the house that day. My eyes are swollen and sore from all the crying I had done. I look further into those vacant eyes all I see is an empty shell of who I use to be, and what I have become. I use to be happy with him; truly happy, we have been through a lot together Miscarriage, a handful of surgeries, moving a couple of times he has always been there right? Or was I just fooling myself into believing he has been there for me. I believed he loved me he had too we are married. But today I guess; is not one of those days. How did it get this bad?

The bleeding has stopped now, I’m in the shower all I see is the residue of the past streaming’s down my naked body. This has not been the first time; this one has just been one of the worst of many. I hear him knocking at the door asking and pleading that I forgive him I can feel his pain and hear him crying through the door. I feel sorry for him, yes! I, the victim feel sorry for him. I’m still in pain and very much confused.

My tears have stopped, his hasn’t. I’m in the kitchen now. He is not thinking straight, he’s asking me to grab a knife to hurt him the way he did me, to help him stop the pain that he feels for the injuries that he has caused me. I’m confused what do I do? What would you do? All my energy is gone, I don’t want to answer, I don’t want to forgive, I just want all of this to somehow disappear.

I want to hold him and tell him everything is going to be alright. We will be able to move past this he seems genuinely remorseful. I will find it in my heart to forgive him, I love him I always have. We have been through so much together this is just another bump on the road.

I need to leave him and walk away, he doesn’t love me. If he loved me he wouldn’t hurt me like this. This is not love, this is psychological warfare. If he has done this before he won’t ever change this will just keep getting worse for me.

The scars you won’t see, the anguish that you have caused me will forever be engraved in my heart and souls and for this reason I chose to be the author of my own story and I will not end my story dictated by someone who believed will get there point across by mind manipulation and physical abuse. The toxic abuse of this relationship has left me drained, powerless and exhausted, like a wounded beaten hungry animal. I see the dim light of my future now; even though its so far away I will take small steps day by day so that dim Light can become brighter and brighter and eventually the light become engulfed around me and i will blinded by the light. Thats when I will look back at all that I have been through and won’t even recognize who that person once was. I will just wonder why I didn’t leave earlier when I had the chance. Maybe! I didn’t see him clearly enough or just blinded by the love I had for him; either way. I chose to rise up like a bright Phoenix in the nite sky, just like that Phoenix I will be born again in that hot fire, stronger, wiser and be filled with a new renewal for life.

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