Koala Customer Service


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4 min
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30
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Dion Sanders is an Editing and Publishing major that can never seem to find the pen she had a second ago. With her other time, she enjoys rewatching The Office, looking up pictures of arcus clouds  [+]

Image of Fall 2020
Image of Short Fiction
from: care_bentley@gmail.com
to: help@auwildlife.org
Sent 05/06 2:19 PM
Dear AWPS,
My daughter and I have still not received our koala.
I acknowledge that there may be difficulties inherent in shipping such a product, but we paid our “donation” weeks ago and have yet to receive a single invoice. Please understand that I am NOT a confrontational person and I would not be sending this email if it were not of paramount importance. My daughter's birthday party is in a month and the eucalyptus patch in the garden will be absolutely mortifying without a koala to adorn it. The neighborhood would have a field day.
Do get a move on.
Careyn Bentley-Fisher

from: donotreply@auwildlife.org
to: care_bentley@gmail.com
Sent 05/06 2:21 PM
Dear Ms. Bentley-Fisher,
Thank you for your donation and your interest in the Australian Wildlife Preservation Society! We have received your email and one of our trained representatives will answer it within a period of three to five business days. Please enjoy this picture of Suki, our newest rescue, while you wait.
Stay Wild!
AWPS
att:suki.JPEG

from: care_bentley@gmail.com
to: help@auwildlife.org
Sent 05/10 10:52 AM
Dear AWPS,
It has been five days and one of your HUMAN representatives has yet to contact me. I am not a critical person, but I am beginning to doubt the efficacy of this fine establishment. My daughter’s birthday fast approaches and Mrs. Kensington has been sneering at me all week. The eucalyptus patch is inexplicably vanishing, and I fear conditions won’t be ideal if the koala doesn’t arrive soon.
If you really do want to change the world, I would strongly recommend focusing less on animals and more on the people who fund you.
Careyn Bentley-Fisher


from: care_bentley@gmail.com
to: help@auwildlife.org
Sent 05/10 4:15 PM
Dear AWPS,
I am nearing the end of my patience.
Careyn Bentley-Fisher

from: efhosokawa@auwildlife.org
to: care_bentley@gmail.com
Sent 05/11 9:25 AM
Dear Ms. Bentley-Fisher,
Thank you for your interest in the AWPS! Professor Hingeson would like me to express that he enjoyed your call yesterday but would prefer it if you didn’t phone his personal number. Particularly after 10 PM. He reserves it for his close friends and family.
I regret to inform you that when you make a donation to the AWPS, the subsequent “adoption” is largely symbolic. We do not actually ship animals. Thanks again for your time and interest!
Stay Wild!
Emily Hosokawa

from: care_bentley@gmail.com
to: efhosokawa@auwildlife.org
Sent 05/11 10:12 AM
Dear Ms. Hosokawa,
I can see from your Facebook profile that you have no children, so I would ask that you step out of your entitled millennial bubble and empathize with me for a moment. My daughter will be devastated if I do not have that koala in time for her nineteenth birthday. She’s a bright girl, and I worry that the people around her are a bad influence.
For example, I recently placed a security camera in my garden and found that Carl, Mrs. Kensington’s son, is the culprit behind my rapidly vanishing eucalyptus. I don’t know precisely why he feels the need to steal my property but I know his reasons must be reasonably depraved.
I need this koala. My daughter’s respect, indeed, the respect of the entire neighborhood, depends on it.
Perhaps you are worried that we do not have the means to properly care for it. I have enclosed pictures of the grounds and various family assets for your edification.
Careyn Bentley-Fisher
att:themanse.JPEG
att:lexus.JPEG
att:westerngrounds.JPEG

from: efhosokawa@auwildlife.org
to: care_bentley@gmail.com
Sent 05/12 9:30 AM
Dear Ms. Bentley-Fisher,
Thank you for your email. While I can appreciate your emotional struggles (hard as they may be with a house that size), I must again stress the point that the AWPS simply does not ship koalas. This is not an emotional matter, nor is it even organizational policy. It is the law. It’s illegal to keep a koala as a pet, and you need a permit to even briefly foster one. Even then, the Department of the Environment of the Australian Government strictly regulates the transfer of koalas out of the country.
One more time, for emphasis:
It is illegal to own a koala as a pet.
Speaking of illegality, that plant you have in your garden is definitely not eucalyptus.
Stay Wild!
and out of your backyard,
Emily Hosokawa

from: care_bentley@gmail.com
to: efhosokawa@auwildlife.org
Sent 05/12 9:42 AM
Hosokawa,
I do not appreciate your tone. I am on the brink of revoking our generous donation. I was promised the opportunity to adopt a koala. Seeing as english might not be your native tongue, shall I define the term ‘adopt’ for you? It means to “legally take (another's child) and bring it up as one's own”. Look it up. How am I supposed to bring up my koala if it is on the other side of the Earth? Either you are lying, or your corrupt organization is.
Furthermore, your snide comments about my eucalyptus are unfounded and slanderous. As I told the officers called by Mrs. Kensington (who showed up without a warrant), my husband took some botany in college. I think we would know if we had cocaine growing in our garden. We are law-abiding natural-born American citizens. I know this must be difficult for you to understand, but not everyone is some chinese opioid addict.
Careyn Bentley-Fisher

from: p.hingeson@auwildlife.org
to: care_bentley@gmail.com
Sent 05/12 10:22 AM
Dear Ms. Bentley-Fisher,
With all due respect, your seventy-dollar donation is not worth your racist heckling of my staff. The AWPS does not refund donations, but I am willing to personally deposit the amount of money you paid into your account if you will kindly refrain from contacting us further.
Frankly, I would give a great deal more if it meant you would permanently, to put it crudely, shut up.
Regards,
Emmett Hingeson

from: care_bentley@gmail.com
to: p.hingeson@auwildlife.org
Sent 05/12 11:02 AM
I will not dignify your last email with a response. You are disgusting. If anything, YOU are the racist one. I hope you know the emotional distress you have brought to a woman who was just publicly humiliated by the police in front of her daughter and the entire neighborhood.
I WILL get a koala, and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

from: alicethefisher@gmail.com
to: p.hingeson@auwildlife.org, efhosokawa@auwildlife.org
Sent 05/15 3:14 PM
Hi. My name is Alice Fisher. This is kind of awkward, but I just wanted to apologize for my stepmom (Careyn Bentley) and all of her emails. I’m guessing you don’t watch our local news, so I thought you’d like to know that she was arrested for trying to break into the Boston Zoo. Even if she hadn’t been wearing those heels, I doubt she would have made it very far.
Anyway, she’s in custody right now and ranting about adoption and cocaine. You probably won’t be hearing from her again.
While she did know I loved koalas, I would like to say that I know the statutes on ownership and have no desire to illegally own one. I would far prefer to work for your organization someday.
Um, to that point, do you have any open internships available? Preferably in Australia. Or just anywhere far, far away from Boston. I attached my resume below.
I’m a desperate environmental science major. Please help.
Alice
att:resume.DOCX

from: bostondetention_secureline.jayp
to: p.hingeson@auwildlife.org
Sent 07/12 11:11 AM
You had NO right. How DARE you take MY daughter from me. Rest assured, you odious man, I will get out of here someday; and when I do, my lawyers and I are coming for you.
Have my koala ready, or I will sue.
Careyn Bentley-Fisher
30

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Image of Lillian Davis
Lillian Davis · ago
I loved this. I like that a "Karin" type story is in this competition and is being enjoyed by so many other people. Your sense of humor is great and telling the story though emails is so creative and smart. I just wanted to let you know that I really did enjoy reading this. Good luck in the competition!
Image of Isabel Hensick
Isabel Hensick · ago
This was pretty good. You know Hosokawa is a Japanese surname, right?
Image of Dion Sanders
Dion Sanders · ago
Yep! It was actually my grandmother's maiden name; she emmigrated from Japan. I figured Careyn wouldn't have the kind of cultural awareness required to recognize this- hence the comment about Emily fraternizing with "chinese opioid addicts". I also left "chinese" uncapitalized and "American" capitalized in the previous sentence to similarly emphasize Careyn's priorities.
Image of Marilyn Carothers
Marilyn Carothers · ago
I was lmho by the end! Excellent!
Image of Marina Verones
Marina Verones · ago
Storytelling in a refreshing new way! Great Work!
Image of Caleb Litster
Caleb Litster · ago
Strikingly original! Certainly a non-traditional mode of storytelling, yet witty and entertaining. I appreciate how details are withheld, then gradually revealed or uncovered between the lines.