I Can Do This

My mind is racing. I hear every noise, yet I hear nothing. I can’t believe it has gotten to this point. I have so many questions for myself. Mostly angry questions. I don’t like this feeling. I know I don’t get like this often, and really, I can’t think of the last time I have. Anger does that. I feel off and the fury inside seems to grow into its own, overwhelming problem. I’m just so angry that I’m angry! I should be able to deal with the problem head-on.

Is it really a problem? Many have done this before me. Millions have dealt with this already, and, for the most part, seemed to have survived. I guess some could have perished. Perished. That’s a weird word. It sounds rather nice, like it’s a fancy word describing how you spent your day. We made sandwiches, played croquet in the park and perished the rest of the afternoon – so delightful! However, now I feel like my soul has perished. Who am I and what am I doing!? This is crazy! How have I seriously reached this point of ineptitude? I am better than this. Right? Maybe I’m not. It’s hard to breath. Sweating. I need a class or workshop. Or medical help.

Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean I should try. John F. Kennedy made some speech long ago that motivated the country to explore space and go to the moon. Something like we do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard. Seriously. They chose to go to the moon because he told them that “we choose to go to the moon.” Wow. We went to the moon. I can’t do this one thing, but decades ago hundreds of people put their heart and soul into an endeavor to change history. The moon! My problem pales in comparison with that. The freaking moon. This is much easier than that.

It doesn’t feel like it though.

Now, if I had a motivation speaker - some CEO or director or successful coach - talking to me and coaching me through this, then maybe I could finally get this done. Maybe I would accomplish something. Sure, it’s not like choosing to go to the moon or anything monumental like that, but it could have a big impact on my life. And at least one other person. Forever? And the lives of others. Life-changing. Hopefully for the good. But what if it turns out terrible? What if this path is doomed? Well, then it’s a good idea that I’ve taken this pause. I should think this out. Maybe there are bigger ramifications that I cannot see right now from my actions.

Maybe I should just stop. Okay. I could be saving mankind. I choose to not do this because of the unknown! That’s it. I choose to not do it. Whew! My life can carry on.


We went to the freaking moon.

Oh wait! Some people believe we didn’t! That it was all faked! I don’t believe that, but maybe I could learn to believe it. Yeah. Maybe the plan was just too hard and they instead put all their time and effort in creating the most elaborate fake event in history! A big lie. That took some effort. Hundreds of people would have to be in on that. Agree that their late president was wrong, and faking a trip to the moon made more sense than actually trying to go there. Of course, the backstories would have to make it seem real. All those families, reporters, scientists and so on would have to hold this secret. Well, lie. That’s absurd. That’s just cuckoo talk. Instead, someone looked at the footage of the moon landing and thought it just didn’t look real to them so it must be fake. In their mind, it couldn’t be real. It has to be pretend. They changed reality to allow their brain to bend to be this world. Makes sense, right?

What am I doing!? I’m so nervous. What is the big deal? I’m procrastinating, too. That moon landing really got me off-track. That generation probably didn’t procrastinate that much. They did stuff. They did this! And moved on to the next task of the day. So much changed because of their tireless efforts. No lollygagging. I don’t know if I would have survived back then. What am I saying? I’d be fine. I wouldn’t have the knowledge of the future, so I would be okay. It was a simpler time. Right? I mean, I wouldn’t be involved with NASA or space exploration. Just a simple life. Easy. Or would it? Would I find myself in a similar situation anyway? Millions before me have done this. I know that. The success rate is unknown, but it has happened. There’s proof. There are stories. Heck, this could be my story. Well, maybe not this part. This is the prequel that I wouldn’t share until I know the original was a success. That’s smart. There has to be thousands of these prequel stories that have never been told. What would even make mine worth telling? Maybe it’s relatable. People can see themselves in my place. It’s written simply, but tackles larger issues of our psyche and the human experience. Makes them think. Reflect. Well, that’s not for me to decide. People with better education and ability can give their critique so everyone else knows if my story is worth their time.

Again, I feel that I have gone way off-course and I need to focus. I think all these other thoughts have calmed me down and I can see things better. Okay. I can see myself doing this. It’s just a task like any other. A simple item to check off my To Do List. I can do that. If I visualize myself doing it, then it will be easy. Well, easier.

All right. Let’s do this. It so simple. Just call. It’s no big deal. People have done this in the past. I am no different. There is nothing special about my situation. I can do this. Yes I can. I’m the little engine. I’m like my own coach. Just double check the number and call. I definitely don’t want to get a wrong number. That would be embarrassing. That probably happened a lot in the past. Wrong numbers would be called and people would be so nice and say, “Sorry, wrong number.” I remember the stories about how families just had one phone in their house. Wow. That’s amazing. Every conversation took place within a small radius of where ever the phone was located. It was heard by almost everyone in the house. Good news, bad news, important stuff, gossip and whatnot. That would be hard to have an audience. I don’t know if I could do that. Speaking in front of people is not for me. Then again, it was your family, so they would find out anyway. They could be helpful. Well, if they were like that.

Now, I can find a place by myself and not be interrupted or judged. No one overhearing me, or adding their two cents, or laughing at me. How do people do this in public? Do they just not care what the closest human beings within earshot think about their conversation? Well, maybe it’s the trivial daily stuff and talking about it for everyone to hear is no big deal.

This is a big deal.

I should be inside. Not in public. That’s where it happens. Of course, I would have to plan it so that no one was close by. When everyone is else is gone. But when? Seems like someone is always around. Maybe in the middle of the night when everyone’s asleep? Oh wait. That would be rude to call at that time. I have to find the right time. Wait a minute. Now. Now is the time! I’ve wasted so much time thinking about this. Well, I got angry, and I thought about the moon, and... What is my problem? Stop overthinking this! Life is short and I’m wasting time over this hemming and hawing. That’s a strange phrase. But it seems to be what I’m doing. And I am doing it well. Again! Stop it!

I wish I could just make this happen. Maybe my story could help others by showing them how my experience was and that could make them feel better. Have a chuckle. At my expense. Critique my every word. Tell others about it. Chuckle some more. Wait. That does not sound good. Not at all. Just make the call. That seems better than showing the world how I couldn’t handle this. Or how I made such a big production out of it. Just because other people have done this before does not mean that it’s easy for me! Maybe some never tried! Just gave up.

No, not me.

I can do this.

I’m ready.

Just be yourself.

Act like you know what you’re doing.