I've always looked up to Alyssa like a big sister. No matter what happened, she always knew exactly what to say. During my hardest times, she was by my side with a comforting smile, a hand on my back, and the sweetest words. I only wished she didn't have so many other friends clinging to her in the same way. But with her personality, who wouldn't want to be friends with her? She just had this energy that draws people in.

 

I first met Alyssa at school. I was by no means popular or well-liked back then. For a long time, I ate lunch alone. I had one friend, Charlene, who somehow always found a way to call in sick. Alyssa, of course, had her big group of "girlies". Watching them move in a pack through the hallways, laughing like wolves, I hated them a little for it. Not that they ever bothered me, or anyone else for that matter. I just wondered why I wasn't cool enough for them to notice me. Sometimes I overheard their conversations and wondered, what was even so funny?

 

Things magically changed one day when Alyssa commented on our matching shoes. I never knew I could smile so wide. I stood up immediately, desperate to keep the conversation going. Surprisingly, we hit it off, and I finally found an answer to my question. It wasn't that anything they said was particularly hilarious. It was the feeling of being around them. Everyone seemed to love each other so much, and they loved me too.

 

Alyssa had a way of making everyone feel included. She remembered the smallest things, like which teachers I didn't like or what exams I was nervous for that week. Once, when I was upset over a terrible test result, she bought me my favourite drink and spent the whole afternoon convincing me it wasn't the end of the world. She even insisted on taking photos together afterward because, apparently I looked too miserable in all our previous ones. I remember laughing so much that I'd forgotten why I was upset.

 

The group also really understood me. When I told them about Charlene, who was always absent and leaving me alone, they advised me to drop toxic friends. They cursed her for abandoning me. I felt such an overwhelming sense of validation, knowing someone finally understood me. The best part was the tea-sharing. They knew everything about everyone: who cheated on whom, which guys were weird, and who to avoid. We'd spend entire lunch breaks laughing about the stories. It felt like we had our own little world.

 

I was baffled to hear that my lab partner was known for creeping on one of the girls last year. Luckily they told me, because I couldn't look at him the same way afterward. Whenever he tried to make conversation, I kept my answers short. Once, when he accidentally knocked over a measuring cylinder, I told the girls about it afterward. Alyssa did an impression of his panicked expression that had us laughing until we couldn't breathe. The girls loved me for sharing.

 

Honestly, I owed it all to Alyssa. I didn't know where I'd be without her. One day I realized I wanted to be just like her. I wanted people to look at me the way they looked at her, the way I looked at her. I promise I don't mean that in a creepy way or anything. I just really admired her.

 

It was almost subconscious. I caught myself copying the way she spoke, posed for photos, even the way her lips twitched into a smile when something amused her. She rarely had to raise her voice to get people's attention. Sometimes she'd simply pause in the middle of a sentence, and everyone would lean in to hear what she was about to say. I tried that once, but nobody noticed I'd stopped talking. I laughed it off, feeling a little stupid.

 

I often went out with Alyssa and the other girls. At the end of the school year, my dad planned a trip to Disney World to celebrate and said I could bring a friend. Of course, the first person I asked was Alyssa. Unfortunately, she couldn't make it. My dad ended up asking me to invite Charlene, since he was friends with her parents.

 

The trip was fun, although I kept thinking how much better it would have been with Alyssa. I posted photos, including one of Charlene and me wearing matching Mickey Mouse ears. Alyssa viewed my story almost immediately. I waited for her to reply, expecting her to tease me about the ridiculous ears or ask about the trip. She didn't.

 

After that, things felt... different. When I texted the group chat, I got brief, superficial replies. I thought I was imagining it, but it kept happening. Slowly, the chat grew quieter, and my heart hurt watching it sink lower down my recent conversations. Sometimes I'd see Alyssa posting photos with the girls, smiling in someone's bedroom or at a cafe. I told myself it was probably spontaneous. After all, I couldn't expect to be invited to everything.

 

When the new school year started, I hoped things would go back to normal. After all, we'd see each other again, have lunch together every day again. I was nervous walking into school that semester, especially since a sudden illness had made me miss the first week. I felt so out of place, searching desperately for my group.

I finally spotted them on my way to class. Relief and joy flooded over me. I hurried toward them, grinning and waving with both hands.

 

"Hey guys, how was—"

 

I trailed off. No one was looking at me. Everyone had conveniently found something else to look at: each other, the wall, or anywhere but me. I locked eyes with Alyssa, but she averted her gaze too. The pack moved past me, leaving me standing in the hallway, mouth agape. The air felt lonely again. My relief gave way to intense anxiety.

 

What in the actual fuck was going on? It couldn't be because of the Disney trip, right? That would be incredibly petty. Didn't they understand I didn't have a choice? My dad made the final decision. I wanted Alyssa to come, but she was the one who couldn't make it. What could I possibly have done to offend them?

 

I tried two or three more times that week, but nothing changed. It was insane. They treated me worse than their so-called enemies. At least they would greet them back if they said hello first.

 

At lunch, I sometimes caught myself glancing over at their table. Alyssa would be laughing at something, the others leaning toward her. It was strange seeing them from the outside again. I used to know exactly what those laughs meant, who they were talking about. I wondered if they were laughing at me.

 

I wonder whether it was Alyssa or someone else who started this. I just wish they'd tell me what was wrong so I could at least explain myself. Who are they to judge and demonize me without even asking for my side of the story? It was so unfair. I would never do this to them. They were clearly never true friends in the first place, if they could drop me so easily.

 

Things went back to the way they were before I met the girls. I ate lunch alone again. Charlene came over the next day, on one of the few days she actually showed up to school. She sat across from me and started making small talk, as usual. She asked about my first week back and whether I was feeling better. I gave her short answers, hoping she'd get the hint.

 

I almost rolled my eyes. Did she think that just because my other friends had dropped me, I'd accept a toxic friend like her again? I just don't see the point of hanging out with someone who was never around anyway.

 

I entertained her anyway. I wasn't an asshole who would tell her off or just get up and leave. We talked, and when I finished eating, I left.

 

I was looking forward to a quiet afternoon anyway.