It’s been eight months since I’ve known her. We met through mutual friends; our first date was at a coffee shop off of 15th and Grand. We sat at the window seat and watched the cars go by. People dressed in suits walking across crosswalks, and even the occasional angry taxi driver. I moved to New York for the fast paced lifestyle, but when I was with her, everything slowed down; and I didn’t mind one bit. We were inseparable. We spent what felt like every breathing second with each other. She would call me at 7 am on a Sunday and tell me she was on her way, to get dressed, “Were going grocery shopping.” She sounded so excited just to do minor everyday things, and she wanted to do them with me. I’ve never felt like this, in my 24 years of life, even with my highschool girlfriend of 4 years have I ever been so excited and happy around one person, to wake up thinking of her, cancelling plans with friends because she wanted to see me, planning elaborate dinners to see her face light up, anything to make her day a little better made my day better too. Before I knew it my world was her.
We went to a music festival in Central Park, she wanted to see the different colors of the October leaves and listen to the varied music. A band covered Fleetwood Mac and her face lit up like I’ve never seen before. In that exact moment I started to see myself with her for the rest of my life, waking up next to her, making her breakfast in bed, taking our kids to Disney, anything you could imagine a nuclear family would do, I would do for her. I loved her. It started to rain and she started spinning, everything slowed down, she was just spinning and laughing,I adored her, she was so precious to me I would do anything to keep her happy. Everything went back to normal, I opened up my umbrella, told her to come here, everyone was leaving, it was time for us to leave too. We stopped at the same coffee shop, I walked her home, kissed her goodbye, and walked home. The next day I woke up, with no text from her, which was odd, maybe she was sick? We were out in the rain yesterday. I got dressed, went to work as my usual Monday through Friday days went. By lunch time, I still haven’t heard from her, so I messaged her, still not worried about much, she might have forgotten her phone before she went to work, or maybe forgot to pay the bill? Maybe she overslept? I decided to call her. It rang 3 times, then went to voicemail. I didn’t leave her a voicemail, just texted her to see if she was okay. By 7pm there was a pit in my stomach. I said goodbye to the desk clerk and ran to catch a taxi. I felt like I was drowning in anxiety, spinning, flipping around, I was nauseous, my throat burned, Iwas clenching my jaw, my fists, I was so scared I could stop worrying about her, I was grappling to the sides of sanity. Is she okay? Did she get hurt? What if something happened at work? Did I do something wrong? What did I do? I must've done something. I texted her, telling her I was coming over telling her I’m worried that I haven’t heard from her all day. Thirty seconds later, my phone vibrated, it was her. Thank god it's her, I was so worried about her. “I’m sorry, I can't do this anymore.” Everything slowed down, not the good one from the night before, it was terrorizing, everything started to spin, I was sweating, hyperventilating, my chest tightened up, I felt nauseous, my throat started to burn, I didn’t want to cry in the taxi, I made him stop and paid the driver. I ran home, emotionless, empty, cold, not knowing what I did. What did I do? “Last night was the last night I’d ever see her again,” I thought. I lay down in bed and cried. I turned off my phone, I wanted to be in solitude. I cried so much my cheeks were sore and my throat burned, it felt like it was on fire. Tears stopped rolling down my face but my body shook, with every breath I choked on mucus, my pillow was soaked. I didn’t know what I did wrong. I finally had the willpower to get into the shower, by then it was already 11 O'clock. I needed her, like she was my streetlight, and my life was a dark alley. She was the last thing I thought of when I was falling asleep, the first thing I thought of in the morning. What am I going to do without her? I got into the shower, and I kept the lights off. I sat down with my knees to my chest. The water was as hot as I could take it, the steam was thick and comforting, I ended up falling asleep in the shower. I woke up when the water turned cold, I stared at myself in the mirror, my eyes and lips were puffy from crying. I opened my bathroom door and the cold air from the rest of my apartment stung my face; I slowly walked to my bedroom, and plopped down onto my bed, and looked for my phone in the dark. Once I found it, I turned it on, texted my boss to let him know I wouldn’t be coming into work for the rest of the week, “something has came up with my aunt.” I went onto Facebook, then Instagram, I couldn’t handle it, everything reminded me of her, the music I listened to all were linked to her. Everywhere I turned, it was her. A few weeks went by and it slowly got easier, but every time I drove past that coffee shop my chest would tense up, but each time less than the time before. I never got closure. I would lie awake wishing she would come back, wishing I got the actual answers I needed to get over her and I didn’t. I never knew why she left, if it was my fault, if it was something she was going through. But then I finally realized, it wasn’t me, I did everything I could of done to keep her happy, I made sure she was okay, I always made plans for us, even if there were just laying around all day. I did nothing wrong, I wasn’t the issue. Even if we did get back together, I would have a constant fear of her leaving me, I would get on edge if I didn't hear from her in a timely matter, I would probably question everything to the point where she would leave because of my insecurities, that she made me have. That’s when I gave myself closure. That’s when I realized that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Yes, I loved her, yes I honestly saw myself with her forever, but was the constant worrying and insecurities worth it? Absolutely not. Put yourself first, before anyone else. Just because you miss them, doesn’t mean you let them back in your life.