Dear future me,
August 30th 2017
It is officially the start of Junior year and forget any dreams you had of changing schools.After homeroom as I walked down the hall which had a mixture of faces, the new,old and just plain annoying I felt like a ant walking on a crosswalk trying its best not to meet the bottom of a shoe. Out of the blue he appeared and our eyes met and turned away as fast as possible. I went to my first class ready to meet the people I would come to hate till June or forever. So far so good,he wasn't in any of my classes today.
September 7th 2017
I changed almost all my classes to honors which meant my schedule changed big time. I was in my new English class getting settled in when he walked in. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I couldn't have him in my class again atlas not after what happened.
I ended that day emailing my counselor to see if she could change my classes yet again. I know ,it well be awkward talking with her about it but just do it.
September 12th 2017
I did it, I finally got out of that class. I know it's stupid to avoid him and not talk about the incident but I can live with myself. Maybe one day I'll talk with him about it but now I like it this way.
February 2018
Girl, we had a class meeting today. As I sat in the cafeteria I saw kids were flooding the cafeteria and so was my anxiety. The more they got the harder to breathe it became for me. Finally no one was entering the doors and I took a good look around and saw my eyes landed on him. I was easily spottable which I hated the most. I then realized I had no one, to call a friend, best friend. Just people who can’t even say Hi to me in the hallway that’s how everybody was. All this was mainly from me and how I act, I keep grinch face on at all times and seem weird to people. I sat at a table just me and the empty chairs. I saw a “friend” of mine and signaled for them to come sit with me. They just brushed it off and continued walking. I felt ashamed and useless. As I saw all the kids I’d have to sit with at graduation. I saw people who were social, had goals and played sports and were way better than me. When I would look at fellow students’ social media I’d see everything I wasn’t. They would go out to restaurants and all .But to be honest I had my reason to go waste money at a restaurant when we could just make food at home and go on a picnic but that seems outdated. That wasn’t my big problem. My main one was society. Im muslim and its very apparent so you know the rest. In all honesty, I am more afraid of people then they may be of me. I try to make sure if I am in any social place to act as normal as possible. Whatever that is, because I am already weird with the veil on in some people's eyes.
April 16th, 2018
Mark this day down as the day you came to know yourself. Well, more like accept yourself for who you are. Asocial, weird and different . You never grew up like others and didn’t know how to socialize with them. As I ponder upon the past I think most of that came from when I went back home. I remember I loved the scenery and the weather felt like as was home. I fit in perfectly. I had the same skin color as everybody else. That was until I would speak. I had an American accent and kids just wanted me to talk so they could hear it. That caused a lot of low self-esteem and fear of talking. I remember I ended up changing to a different school it was nice, no one knew I was from America and I wanted it to stay that way. That is until my true accent would come out every now and then I felt like I was a fake hiding who I was. I couldn’t just keep talking in it mainly because they stigma put on people who spoke with an accent that seemed American; when my accent came out a teacher said I was trying to speak in Stereo what they referred the accent to. Sadly, when I came back at 16 years old after 4 years. I was expecting everything to be as I left it. It was just like when I went back home , I was the odd one out: I now had a different accent and a chest full of low self-esteem. From now on try to love yourself (easier said than done I know) but you’ll get there. Just got to love my background mainly because it shaped me into who I am today and I got to see the world through a different lens.
May 31st, 2018
Girl ,remember the incident in gym? Well it taught you a lot mainly that you can't fight physically or verbally when it comes to defending yourself. When the boys were stepping all over me or tried to.Now that I think about it I think things were bit better the I had the grinch face; no-one wanted to come near me or were probably scared of me. I feel like I want to show the new me and my goofy side but if it means I'll be dissed Ill have to try a new approach. I learned I need to set boundaries for people as well as myself which was my first and main hurdle on my selfcare journey.
June 19th, 2018
Hey girl, it's the end of the school year finally. As I look back to the beginning of junior year. I accomplished so much. I didn't even expect. Now work on your other task. Maybe you’ll be done by the end of summer.
June 21st 2018
Girl, as I embark on this journey there is no turning back. I was thinking since I know and am working on myself The least I can do is to try to find out why I act as I do. I thought of something that happened to me when I was young. I just remember flashbacks but it is clear what happened. I was so little but I had no-one to turn to.But I won't let that stop me.
June 22nd 2018
I made a timeline from when I could remember till now. I came to know I went through some bad traumatic events when I was young. Which made me who I am today.To add when yo that I never had a good relationship with my mom. She had grown up in a different country and they showed feelings differently than Americans do. So when I was brought back to the States after being in East Africa for 6 years I would expect her to act like Americans did on TV but never saw it which made me to act two ways one at school and another at home but now that I know myself I want to take it slow and better out relationship so we can talk about the past in a mature way instead of avoiding it.
August 9th 2018
I came up with a great idea , to write her a book so to explain why I acted as I did and explain things to her and hopefully better our relationship.I would also like for her to go on a selfcare journey too and accept the past that she went through that caused her trauma from my father when he robbed her and almost killed her. I know it isn't that easy to just forget the past but I would like for her not to let the past control her but overcome it and move on and better herself.
August 29th 2018
Girl,it's almost the start of Senior year and the good thing id you'll be able to get help from an adjustment counselor to help with overcoming some trauma. Don't give up you got this.Maybe this year you will tell him why you avoided him and told him not to talk to me at the end of the season.
September 4th 2018
It’s the start of Senior year and you got this finish strong.I expect you to pick up where you left of 10 years from now with everything,the good, the bad the embarrassing. it seems weird to include the bad but hey, that's reality if your happy and smiling all the time something is REALLY wrong .
Sincerely ,
Muba Mwa
August 30th 2017
It is officially the start of Junior year and forget any dreams you had of changing schools.After homeroom as I walked down the hall which had a mixture of faces, the new,old and just plain annoying I felt like a ant walking on a crosswalk trying its best not to meet the bottom of a shoe. Out of the blue he appeared and our eyes met and turned away as fast as possible. I went to my first class ready to meet the people I would come to hate till June or forever. So far so good,he wasn't in any of my classes today.
September 7th 2017
I changed almost all my classes to honors which meant my schedule changed big time. I was in my new English class getting settled in when he walked in. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I couldn't have him in my class again atlas not after what happened.
I ended that day emailing my counselor to see if she could change my classes yet again. I know ,it well be awkward talking with her about it but just do it.
September 12th 2017
I did it, I finally got out of that class. I know it's stupid to avoid him and not talk about the incident but I can live with myself. Maybe one day I'll talk with him about it but now I like it this way.
February 2018
Girl, we had a class meeting today. As I sat in the cafeteria I saw kids were flooding the cafeteria and so was my anxiety. The more they got the harder to breathe it became for me. Finally no one was entering the doors and I took a good look around and saw my eyes landed on him. I was easily spottable which I hated the most. I then realized I had no one, to call a friend, best friend. Just people who can’t even say Hi to me in the hallway that’s how everybody was. All this was mainly from me and how I act, I keep grinch face on at all times and seem weird to people. I sat at a table just me and the empty chairs. I saw a “friend” of mine and signaled for them to come sit with me. They just brushed it off and continued walking. I felt ashamed and useless. As I saw all the kids I’d have to sit with at graduation. I saw people who were social, had goals and played sports and were way better than me. When I would look at fellow students’ social media I’d see everything I wasn’t. They would go out to restaurants and all .But to be honest I had my reason to go waste money at a restaurant when we could just make food at home and go on a picnic but that seems outdated. That wasn’t my big problem. My main one was society. Im muslim and its very apparent so you know the rest. In all honesty, I am more afraid of people then they may be of me. I try to make sure if I am in any social place to act as normal as possible. Whatever that is, because I am already weird with the veil on in some people's eyes.
April 16th, 2018
Mark this day down as the day you came to know yourself. Well, more like accept yourself for who you are. Asocial, weird and different . You never grew up like others and didn’t know how to socialize with them. As I ponder upon the past I think most of that came from when I went back home. I remember I loved the scenery and the weather felt like as was home. I fit in perfectly. I had the same skin color as everybody else. That was until I would speak. I had an American accent and kids just wanted me to talk so they could hear it. That caused a lot of low self-esteem and fear of talking. I remember I ended up changing to a different school it was nice, no one knew I was from America and I wanted it to stay that way. That is until my true accent would come out every now and then I felt like I was a fake hiding who I was. I couldn’t just keep talking in it mainly because they stigma put on people who spoke with an accent that seemed American; when my accent came out a teacher said I was trying to speak in Stereo what they referred the accent to. Sadly, when I came back at 16 years old after 4 years. I was expecting everything to be as I left it. It was just like when I went back home , I was the odd one out: I now had a different accent and a chest full of low self-esteem. From now on try to love yourself (easier said than done I know) but you’ll get there. Just got to love my background mainly because it shaped me into who I am today and I got to see the world through a different lens.
May 31st, 2018
Girl ,remember the incident in gym? Well it taught you a lot mainly that you can't fight physically or verbally when it comes to defending yourself. When the boys were stepping all over me or tried to.Now that I think about it I think things were bit better the I had the grinch face; no-one wanted to come near me or were probably scared of me. I feel like I want to show the new me and my goofy side but if it means I'll be dissed Ill have to try a new approach. I learned I need to set boundaries for people as well as myself which was my first and main hurdle on my selfcare journey.
June 19th, 2018
Hey girl, it's the end of the school year finally. As I look back to the beginning of junior year. I accomplished so much. I didn't even expect. Now work on your other task. Maybe you’ll be done by the end of summer.
June 21st 2018
Girl, as I embark on this journey there is no turning back. I was thinking since I know and am working on myself The least I can do is to try to find out why I act as I do. I thought of something that happened to me when I was young. I just remember flashbacks but it is clear what happened. I was so little but I had no-one to turn to.But I won't let that stop me.
June 22nd 2018
I made a timeline from when I could remember till now. I came to know I went through some bad traumatic events when I was young. Which made me who I am today.To add when yo that I never had a good relationship with my mom. She had grown up in a different country and they showed feelings differently than Americans do. So when I was brought back to the States after being in East Africa for 6 years I would expect her to act like Americans did on TV but never saw it which made me to act two ways one at school and another at home but now that I know myself I want to take it slow and better out relationship so we can talk about the past in a mature way instead of avoiding it.
August 9th 2018
I came up with a great idea , to write her a book so to explain why I acted as I did and explain things to her and hopefully better our relationship.I would also like for her to go on a selfcare journey too and accept the past that she went through that caused her trauma from my father when he robbed her and almost killed her. I know it isn't that easy to just forget the past but I would like for her not to let the past control her but overcome it and move on and better herself.
August 29th 2018
Girl,it's almost the start of Senior year and the good thing id you'll be able to get help from an adjustment counselor to help with overcoming some trauma. Don't give up you got this.Maybe this year you will tell him why you avoided him and told him not to talk to me at the end of the season.
September 4th 2018
It’s the start of Senior year and you got this finish strong.I expect you to pick up where you left of 10 years from now with everything,the good, the bad the embarrassing. it seems weird to include the bad but hey, that's reality if your happy and smiling all the time something is REALLY wrong .
Sincerely ,
Muba Mwa