The moment he entered the bar, I knew that Mister J. wasn’t your usual guest. Maybe it was the way his eyes darted around, taking the measure of everything he saw, or that half smile as he twirled... [+]
I used to believe in you. I was a fool. You had me going, with what I recall as a 'nice, warm feeling' in my heart. I began to notice all the suffering of the world; that you, love, were of limited supply. Or, perhaps you were something infinite; "Perhaps I could tap into you and spread you to everyone!", I foolishly thought. That dream is dead now, as dead as you are to me. I want you to be dead to all beings, this is my new dream. As with Santa Claus not being real, all should rip off the band-aid and wake up to the cold harsh reality: that our precious love is weaker than Evil.
I know this to be true. I can't say you aren't real, but I know you are weak! I gave you so many chances, but ultimately you let me down. I would blame myself for not dedicating to you more, but ultimately it wasn't my fault. It was your greater counterpart, Evil who always managed to suck you out of me and those around me. A powerful force is Evil, I recognized this, and double-downed on my dedication to you, love. I desperately wanted you to win out, and most of the time you did, for a while. Over time, less and less so, and looking at the world today, I can see which is the dominant force here, and I no longer wish to be on the losing team.
When I was rooting for you, love, I thought, "I'll try and Love this evil that I see, you douse fire with it's opposite, water, so with enough Love, I can conquer all evil I come across!". But I was laughed at, mocked, and stomped on. I marched on, until one day I came close to dying for you, love. A gun was held to my head while writing poems about you in the park. I was raped and robbed, and would have been kidnapped and killed if I hadn't convinced the man that I enjoyed the rape; that I would call him. That was too close a call, and the last straw. I wasn't going to be made into a fool standing up for a force that couldn't even protect me. I now enjoy this war you have with Evil, and I like to think I have joined the dark side for good. Once your sworn protector, love, I now embody your worst enemy. The only thing I do have love for now, is Evil of course!
I live alone. Embodying Evil has cut almost all people from my life. I reached out to those who fought me when I was on your side, love, and we get to compare our evil stories. But I don't get close to them, for I'm set on strengthening my darkness, and any attachments I hold to others will ultimately be a weakness. All who choose this path are individuals. Evil can only unite with itself for so long before it turns on itself, unlike you, love. You have no problem uniting with yourself, which would be great for you, if you weren't so weak. No, I don't need anyone or anything anymore. My only desire is to rid love from existence. Ultimately, I'm saving folks from being on the losing side, and the faster I can spread Evil, the less of a letdown you'll be for all the remaining fools.
I have come to find that existence is pain. Pain isn't desirable, yet all life goes through it, and if the joys of life were worth the pain, that would be one thing, but I have concluded that this notion is a fantasy. In death, all suffering ends, and so when more people wisen up, we will see that we can seek to destroy not only this planet, but all of creation. All that exists can be put out of its misery through this ultimate Evil. Such a bad reputation Evil gets, when in truth it's the savior to all of creation's misery. Just as I once wanted to be a master of you, love, I now seek to master Evil, so that I can be a healing force of destructive change. My ideals haven't changed, only my perspective. Forget a surplus of water, there can be no fire if there is nothing to burn.
In closing, love, this is a goodbye letter. I have been weak in holding onto aspects of you, and I have realized this spark must be relinquished if my dream of destruction is to come to fruition. This letter signifies a true paradigm shift for me, and hopefully for the whole universe. It's taken courage to seek out this last spark of you in me, but I believe I know the proper way to sever all ties with you once and for all.
Love, you are weak, but not worthless. I feel I can send you off with a song. I haven't touched my violin in ages, but it seems fitting that I play you a song, to coax you out of me. I realize that this was always my deepest connection with you, love, beautiful music. Past melodies cloud my mind, and I feel I can honor them one last time, and dare to feel you. If I can be sincere in feeling my love for the music, lamenting you, love, until the very end, I can pinpoint the spark of you within me that still lives, and relinquish it. But, Instead of playing the last note, you will get no resolution. Your last note will be the sound of broken strings. You will be abandoned just as you abandoned me, and I can throw my violin, and my last spark of you, love, into the fire. I can then help anyone joining in on Evil's fun by helping them cast away whatever spark you incessantly left in them. I feel I must feel your essence for the duration of the song, if I am to properly coax you out of me, and I am ready to feel you and face you one last time if it means good riddance. Though I do not love you anymore love, as I mentally prepare to play this music, I can remember you enough to at least end things cordially by saying, love, you're not so bad.
Well, I played the song. My violin is in the fire. Not that you care. I finished the song, okay? I'm not ready to say sorry or anything. I was on the verge of breaking the last string when I felt you surge within me. All was going according to plan, until I wimped out. Figures. I was taken back in time playing the lullabye my mother used to play for me to go to sleep. Perhaps it was foolish to let you linger so long, I could have cut the song short and you wouldn't have permeated into enough of my heart to persuade me to ease the tension on that last string. But I listened to my heart, for better or worse, and played the last note. My heart seems to be telling me it was brave of me to choose you, Love. This brought in a flurry of sadness which I see now needed to be felt. The violin still got burned, I couldn't help but toss it in the fire. I'll get a new one, and I'll play laments for myself until I feel I'm ready to play them for the world. Bottom line is, you win, Love. Thanks for not forgetting me when I forgot you. With any luck, joyful songs can be played again, and I can share my story with the world. I realize now that it isn't evil that is your opposing force, but fear. Love, help me to let go of fear, please, I will embody you stronger than I ever have. You seem to be fearless, and this is what I want to be. I feel that you are telling me now this is possible, and I have sat with your warmth long enough for me to feel guilty for not apologizing to you. Love, I now wish to give you my deepest apology. I am sorry for losing faith in you, and myself, and my dream of sharing you with the world and beyond! I am wiser now for my knowledge of evil, my experience of lack. I am more understanding of those that used to mock me for my Love. I'm willing to die for you! I will cleanse myself, Love, with your warm and powerful tenderness! I'll share it with the most vile evil that exists. I see evil now only as a lack of you, Love! Existence is far more than pain, which may always have to be a piece of the proverbial pie. You were always there, and you'll always be here, growing ever stronger! I'll see to it! I wanted to say you lucked out, but you don't need luck. Love is enough.
Warmest of regards and gratitude to you, Love! -Love, the healing violinist.