The infant moves trying to get closer to my body than it already is, shutting my eyes I refuse to look down at the pure soul. In doing so I begin to cry, praying for someone to take it off of me. A gentle hand touches my shoulder and speaks in a soft voice, ‘’Miss aren’t you going to look at your baby?’’ a shaky ‘’no’’ escapes my mouth. Looking down from the ceiling I make eye contact with the nurse; with a confused look she calls the doctor over to try and convince me to actually touch the child.
‘’I promise you the baby wont break by you touching him,’’ a light hearted chuckle leaves the doctors dried, aged lips. “I know it can be overwhelming having your first child. Especially at such a young age...’’ I can feel my knuckles growing white from how hard i'm grasping the sheets. Realising i’ve been holding my breath through this whole encounter I exhale the burning air from my lungs and look down at my chest. Again i'm unable to breath,my breath has become hitched in my throat; all the life and love i have always been wishing for is finally atop of me. The world stops for that small moment of time. Moving my slim fingers against the small of his back he shifts his body to become flush against mine. At last I feel as if my life has finally come together in one large orchestra, everything has come together and made something beautiful.
Taking his small hand into mine tears start to burn the outer corners of my eye, ‘’I...I can’t keep him.’’ I don't have to look at the doctor to see the look he is giving me, ‘’Have you ever loved something so much that you felt as if your life has truly become complete? When I gazed down at this angel I felt as if I had a purpose, that my life wasn't just a waste of genetic material, my purpose is to protect and mother this child until my dying breath...’’ closing my eyes again I pull him closer to my heart as the tears now pour from my tear ducts, ‘’but because I've realised my purpose I have also realised that I will never be able to fulfill the purpose of this role. I will never be able to provide him with the things he would need to succeed and grow in this life, I will never be able to give him a loving father and someone too look up to, and most of all I will never be able to forgive myself for keeping him from being apart of a loving family who could give him all of these things.’’ The child stirring in his sleep, it's almost as if he could sense how upset I was becoming!
Taring my eyes away from the only person who could ever care for me I look up into the doctor's eyes. A small smile dances at the corners of my mouth as an angelic laugh leaves my soul, ‘’It's probably selfish of me to be thinking this way but I know it’s what would be the best for the both of us, it may not seem like it now but over time he will begin to understand.’’ Sniffles could be heard from the nurses who listened to my speech, moving closer to me the kind old man takes my hand and wipes the tears from my cheeks. ‘’Miss, you are the bravest young women I have ever meet... It takes a lot of courage to admit to something like this. Not everyone can put others futures before their own.’’
I begin to hiccup from how hard I've been crying, nodding my head unable to let words escape my mouth without sounding like incoherent gibberish. The doctor take my baby away, still holding onto his small soft hand I kiss him on the head for the first time and whisper in his small ears ‘’Please know I’m doing this for you Joel... you will always have a place in my heart.’’ Releasing his hand from my deadly grasp I look at his small head before he leaves the room forever.