2
min

Badassery

Image of Dahlia

Dahlia

51 readings

9

I happen to be in a fairly fragile relationship right now. My boyfriend – if I can still call him that - is way too decent and way too kind and way too loving for someone like me. I know I shouldn’t do anything that might mess this relationship up but maybe I just can’t help it. Is texting a form of cheating? I need some guidance on that one. Is there even such a thing as “tech ethicists?” There must be.

I’m pretty. I might even be beautiful, at least on a good day. On a good day when I’ve had enough sleep and I’ve had the time to do my hair properly and put on enough makeup to blur my slightly serrated edges.

I probably read too many magazines. I get a lot of beauty tips from magazines but the tips are outweighed by the inadequacy I feel after too much exposure to perfection. It used to only be airbrushing but now it’s Photoshop and I hate my skin even though by any objective measure it’s in pretty decent shape. If there aren’t “tech ethicists” there should be. Photos in fashion magazines should be labeled: “This photo was digitally altered.”

Is texting a form of cheating? I mean, it’s so easy to get a quick boost on those days where the bags under my eyes make me look like a dachshund. My boyfriend, if I can still call him that, is way too decent to hack into my phone. He’ll never know and besides, it’s only texting and it’s innocent. It’s sort of like calling in sick and justifying it as a “mental health day.”

Plus, I never let it get too out of hand. I keep it within a low simmer. Slightly arousing but primarily just affirming. It’s not even flirting.

OK, it’s flirting.

"I decided to splurge on a manicure/pedicure"

"which I don't do very often because I can't justify it"

"BUT"

"I decided to treat myself"

Why would I text that to someone? Why would I text that to my boss? But then he answered with “I get pedicures all the time.”

Not enough has been written about workplace propinquity. It’s easy to fall into something resembling love with someone just a few cubicles away. It makes your job more fun. Until it doesn’t.

"and I thought, you know....'nail polish is something that guys never notice'"

He noticed.

"but that's why I almost fell out of my chair because I specifically thought, 'guys never notice stuff like that.' I thought you would never notice stuff like that."

"so, when you said this afternoon that you liked my nails, I was like, 'is he in my BRAIN!!!??'"

“In my BRAIN?” What does that even mean?

"you have nice arms, btw"

I'm not proud of this performance but I have to admit, I do find it funny. You see, I was carrying on with this dialogue while my boyfriend was lying in bed waiting for me. My boyfriend is such a simpleton, He thinks I’m overworked and that I stay up late because I have so much to catch up on.

Did I tell this guy how much I loved his arms? (His arms!?)

"you got the whole package"

"brains"

"body"

"humor"

This nonesense went on for weeks.

I tell him that he has beautiful hair and that I want to run my fingers through it. I tell him to look up my Facebook photos from Halloween where I dressed up as a dominatrix. I even tell him that he has a nice ass.

The great and dangerous thing about texting is that while one can play with levels of intimacy that may not be available in real life one also leaves an indelible paper trail and no matter how hard one tries to scrub the internet of insipid banter it remains as permanent as law.

My boss tries to sign off. It’s one in the morning and he has a wife and a couple of kids and he doesn’t want this thing to get too out of hand.

Me, I’m looking for a promotion in addition to looking for a thrill. I have to play this thing out strategically. I have to be careful.

“CU tomorrow” appears on my phone after a silence that seems suspiciously long for a post-midnight cyber-tryst. Maybe he just had to pee.

"for me can't come soon enough"

"if you know what I mean"

"and I think you do"

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