When Death Won’t Respond To Your Texts


ago
1 min
45
readings
10
Qualified
Image of Fall 2020
Image of Short Fiction
Here you are again. You sent Death a text three hours ago and he still hasn’t responded. This seems to be the norm with him lately, and honestly, it’s getting old. You need to send a clear message that you won’t be putting up with the ghosting anymore. You’re a catch, and it’s time he acknowledged it.
You take to Google, asking the great collective wisdom of the internet for advice. People recommend all kinds of things. Talk to him in person, says one blog. You scoff at the simplicity of that solution. A Reddit user mentions investing in a relationship coach. No, that will just drive him away. WikiHow suggests sending him a quippy one-liner, like “you still alive, bro?” But you know the humor will be lost on him.
Death is not like the other guys. You need something bold. Something drastic.
You walk to your favorite coffee shop to think it over, and on the way you see a perfect opportunity. An A Frame ladder, at least 12 feet tall, just standing there on the sidewalk. With the confidence of a sexy lioness, you strut over and start climbing. You’re wearing three-inch heels, and the ladder wobbles with every move you make, but that’s why it’s so perfect. You reach the final step, the one that says “NOT A STEP,” and you ease yourself onto it until you’re standing proud and tall, overlooking the busy street corner. A strong wind pushes against you, threatening to topple you. You take a deep breath. The air up here smells like hotdogs and success.
Your phone buzzes, but you don’t look at it right away. This moment is worth savoring. Finally, he’s coming to you.
When you do eventually glance at your phone, you smirk. Three new messages from Death.
Death: I heard you’re flirting with Danger
Death: Babe, you better not be talking to another guy
Death: Call me
Nothing gets Death’s attention quite like cheating on him.
10

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