Short Fiction
Brigham Young University
Santa Clause Vs. the FDA: Exhibit A
ago
5 min
21
readings
readings
2
Qualified
Dec. 12th, 8:48 AM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Hey Jack! What’s up? ]
Nothing much right now. Cleaning up for holidays. How’s the pre-holiday Vegas trip?
[ It’s great! I’m actually at the bank right now. Mrs. Clause wanted me to drop by it. ]
Really? I didn’t know you had an account. You win big?
[ No, it’s for the elves’ paycheck. ]
Gotcha.
[ Yeah. Funny thing though, I know you’re in town for a costume con. Are you busy right now? ]
Por que?
[ I need a ride. From the bank. REALLY soon. ]
What happened to the sleigh?
[ It’s...outside ]
Ok...?
[ It’s...also surrounded. ]
What?! By who? You need me to scare them?
[ No, you’re off for the year. It’s just...you know, I’m good! I’ll find a ride. Thanks Jack. ]
Um, Ok.
Dec. 13th, 3:37 PM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Hey Jack! ]
Hey, what happened to the sleigh?
[ The sleigh’s...fine, but I’m flying back now. Or, I was flying back now. ]
So...the sleigh isn’t fine?
[ I...lost the sleigh in poker. I was en route to Anchorage on an Alaskan flight. ]
Oh, sorry about that. What do you mean was?
[ That’s the thing. Do you have any costume stores in LA? They’re closed now, right? ]
Well yeah, I’m not working. There’s one downtown, I’ll email you the door code.
[ Thanks man ]
Wait, LA? You’re flying out of LAX? Why aren’t you flying out of Vegas?
Bro?
Dec. 14th, 8:42 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
Hey, I called LAX, they didn’t mention you flying on Alaskan yesterday. But they did mention a disturbance around the time you texted me. You good?
Dec 15th, 2:01 AM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Hey man, sorry to get back to you late. I’m...in Vancouver, BC. I would’ve called you in Seattle or Tacoma, but we got held up in Portland.]
...Dude, what the early? Are you making a run for the Canadian border? You ok?
[ Yeah, I’m good! ]
I can get you tickets on a flight you know...
[ No, it’s good! Just taking the scenic route. ]
Without your sleigh? How are you getting around?
[ A bus ]
You took a ‘scenic’ public bus from Portland to Vancouver, during the greyest time of the year?
[ No, I’m driving the bus. Actually, the bus has been with us since LA. Don’t ask what I’m hauling. ]
...Us? Where you at right now?
Dec 17th, 12:21 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
OK, what’s up? LAPD just called and told me that the store you crashed on the 13th was just hit by gangsters! Burned it to the ground!
[ I’m sorry to hear that. ]
Yeah, but it wasn’t just gangsters. It was the freakin’ cartel!
[ You sure? ]
Bro, I have a Mexican in-law who deals with the dead. YES. I’m sure.
[ Oh ]
What happened in Vegas?
[ Can’t talk now, business... ]
I’m calling your Mrs.
6:37 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
Right. So Mrs. Clause told me that you were in Ontario for a business trip, not Vegas. She also said that you took Rudolph with you, but none of the other reindeer. She’s worried sick, what are you doing?
Dec 18th: 1:22 AM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Tu hermano no va a regresar Señorita. A menos que nos dé la ubicación de éste taller de que nos ha hablado ]
Just ran that through google. You mean the north pole?
[ Si no nos mandas una dirección, te mandaremos el mano de tu hermanito pobre ]
Uh...como?
[ You no speak Spanish? Speak English? Ok. ]
Yeah, I...You’re not Santa, are you?
[ Where are you taking the shipment? Who are you to steal from us? ]
I assume you’re the one in charge of wrecking the costume store in LA?
[ Yes, and I will burn your friend on a stake if you don’t answer me. ]
OK, where is he going?
[ Going? ]
Yeah, where’s he going?
[ All over the place, and his red-nose deer too, unless you tell us where you’re hiding the bus. ]
...
Ok. Let me talk to him.
[ Jack! It’s me, hey, I have some explaining to do... ]
Ya think?! Why is the Cartel after you for hitting a federal bank?
[ It’s...not that. By the way, how did you know about that? ]
Two and two together...
[ Right, well truth be told, I was short on cash. I needed more than just a few loans to afford the bus, and what was loaded on it. ]
...?
[ Btw: I wasn’t supposed to be driving the bus back. ‘Was only supposed to unload it. Things happened. ]
You robbed the government, and then tried to do business with the Cartel...
[ My man, that’s just the tip of the berg! The FDIC, FBI, PEETA, and the Catholic Church all have beef with me... ]
I have a feeling the FDA and Border Control are in queue?
[ Whatever. Look, can you do me one solid? ]
I have literally done nothing...except the costume store I assumed you hid in. That was also burned down, mind you...
[ I’ll cut you a share. Dial Mrs. Clause, and tell her to commence Operation “13 Days of Christmas.” She’ll know what I mean. ]
*sigh...After this, I’m expecting to own a portion of The North Pole. Does she need your local?
[ No, she’ll just track Rudolph’s “nose.” How else do you think NORAD tracks me every year? ]
Dec 20th 4:16 PM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Mr. Jack O’Lantern? ]
Uh...yeah?
[ My name is Detective Bryce Layton, Anchorage PD. We’re texting you on behalf of an investigation. When was the last time this number contacted you? ]
Just check the last conversation po-po!
[ I will remind you this is official. ]
Oh believe me, sir, I’d be surprised if it wasn’t.
[ Can we call you? ]
Sure, but I won’t testify until you tell me what happened.
[ Fair enough. We recovered this phone from a crime scene on the edge of town. It looked like a drug deal gone bust. Quite the score too, looked like $20 million worth coke packed into a school bus parked a few blocks from the scene. ]
No kidding?
[ Nope. It gets better. Abandoned factory. 30 bodies were recovered. All of them looked like they were trampled to death by a herd of reindeer, of all things. ]
Huh. Was a jolly old man in a red coat among them?
[ No, but we did manage to identify a high-up cartel member. ]
Identify?
[ Yeah, we found him on the curb. Get this, Someone had beaten him to death with a lump of coal, wrote his name on a piece of paper titled Naughty, and stuck it to his forehead. ]
Oh.
[ Mr. O’ Lantern, did the jolly old man you mentioned Have anything to do with this? ]
...No, sir. He didn’t.
Dec. 24th 11:42 PM: Outgoing message to: Mrs. C
Mrs. Clause?
[ Jack, I never would’ve thought you could pull it off. ]
It wasn’t that hard. Props to you for convincing him to do the heist, but I knew Santa would panic once my boys boosted his sleigh in the middle of it.
[ Didn’t think he’d go off the deep end like he did. But I’m impressed how well you handled it. ]
Risky chance, but the pay was fine.
[ Considering he gave you cash for Anchorage, and for “finding” and returning the sleigh, you’ve scored big! ]
Is he in the sleigh?
[ It’s the 24th, Jack. He’s probably on his way back. ]
Well, that oughta keep witnesses to a minimum. You have the detonator?
[ Holding it right now. What “present” did you plant in the sleigh? ]
Bounds of Holly. People will think they’ve seen a shooting star. Per your request; This time next year, you’ll be the one keeping names on the "Nice" List...
[ Jack, you’re a dastardly old fiend. ]
I’m the Jack O’Lantern, sweetheart. You can wire your gratuity to my offshore account. Six figures, at least. Mind me asking though?
[ Go ahead ]
What beef with him caused you to do all this?
[ He had a poor choice in friends... ]
[ Hey Jack! What’s up? ]
Nothing much right now. Cleaning up for holidays. How’s the pre-holiday Vegas trip?
[ It’s great! I’m actually at the bank right now. Mrs. Clause wanted me to drop by it. ]
Really? I didn’t know you had an account. You win big?
[ No, it’s for the elves’ paycheck. ]
Gotcha.
[ Yeah. Funny thing though, I know you’re in town for a costume con. Are you busy right now? ]
Por que?
[ I need a ride. From the bank. REALLY soon. ]
What happened to the sleigh?
[ It’s...outside ]
Ok...?
[ It’s...also surrounded. ]
What?! By who? You need me to scare them?
[ No, you’re off for the year. It’s just...you know, I’m good! I’ll find a ride. Thanks Jack. ]
Um, Ok.
Dec. 13th, 3:37 PM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Hey Jack! ]
Hey, what happened to the sleigh?
[ The sleigh’s...fine, but I’m flying back now. Or, I was flying back now. ]
So...the sleigh isn’t fine?
[ I...lost the sleigh in poker. I was en route to Anchorage on an Alaskan flight. ]
Oh, sorry about that. What do you mean was?
[ That’s the thing. Do you have any costume stores in LA? They’re closed now, right? ]
Well yeah, I’m not working. There’s one downtown, I’ll email you the door code.
[ Thanks man ]
Wait, LA? You’re flying out of LAX? Why aren’t you flying out of Vegas?
Bro?
Dec. 14th, 8:42 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
Hey, I called LAX, they didn’t mention you flying on Alaskan yesterday. But they did mention a disturbance around the time you texted me. You good?
Dec 15th, 2:01 AM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Hey man, sorry to get back to you late. I’m...in Vancouver, BC. I would’ve called you in Seattle or Tacoma, but we got held up in Portland.]
...Dude, what the early? Are you making a run for the Canadian border? You ok?
[ Yeah, I’m good! ]
I can get you tickets on a flight you know...
[ No, it’s good! Just taking the scenic route. ]
Without your sleigh? How are you getting around?
[ A bus ]
You took a ‘scenic’ public bus from Portland to Vancouver, during the greyest time of the year?
[ No, I’m driving the bus. Actually, the bus has been with us since LA. Don’t ask what I’m hauling. ]
...Us? Where you at right now?
Dec 17th, 12:21 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
OK, what’s up? LAPD just called and told me that the store you crashed on the 13th was just hit by gangsters! Burned it to the ground!
[ I’m sorry to hear that. ]
Yeah, but it wasn’t just gangsters. It was the freakin’ cartel!
[ You sure? ]
Bro, I have a Mexican in-law who deals with the dead. YES. I’m sure.
[ Oh ]
What happened in Vegas?
[ Can’t talk now, business... ]
I’m calling your Mrs.
6:37 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
Right. So Mrs. Clause told me that you were in Ontario for a business trip, not Vegas. She also said that you took Rudolph with you, but none of the other reindeer. She’s worried sick, what are you doing?
Dec 18th: 1:22 AM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Tu hermano no va a regresar Señorita. A menos que nos dé la ubicación de éste taller de que nos ha hablado ]
Just ran that through google. You mean the north pole?
[ Si no nos mandas una dirección, te mandaremos el mano de tu hermanito pobre ]
Uh...como?
[ You no speak Spanish? Speak English? Ok. ]
Yeah, I...You’re not Santa, are you?
[ Where are you taking the shipment? Who are you to steal from us? ]
I assume you’re the one in charge of wrecking the costume store in LA?
[ Yes, and I will burn your friend on a stake if you don’t answer me. ]
OK, where is he going?
[ Going? ]
Yeah, where’s he going?
[ All over the place, and his red-nose deer too, unless you tell us where you’re hiding the bus. ]
...
Ok. Let me talk to him.
[ Jack! It’s me, hey, I have some explaining to do... ]
Ya think?! Why is the Cartel after you for hitting a federal bank?
[ It’s...not that. By the way, how did you know about that? ]
Two and two together...
[ Right, well truth be told, I was short on cash. I needed more than just a few loans to afford the bus, and what was loaded on it. ]
...?
[ Btw: I wasn’t supposed to be driving the bus back. ‘Was only supposed to unload it. Things happened. ]
You robbed the government, and then tried to do business with the Cartel...
[ My man, that’s just the tip of the berg! The FDIC, FBI, PEETA, and the Catholic Church all have beef with me... ]
I have a feeling the FDA and Border Control are in queue?
[ Whatever. Look, can you do me one solid? ]
I have literally done nothing...except the costume store I assumed you hid in. That was also burned down, mind you...
[ I’ll cut you a share. Dial Mrs. Clause, and tell her to commence Operation “13 Days of Christmas.” She’ll know what I mean. ]
*sigh...After this, I’m expecting to own a portion of The North Pole. Does she need your local?
[ No, she’ll just track Rudolph’s “nose.” How else do you think NORAD tracks me every year? ]
Dec 20th 4:16 PM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Mr. Jack O’Lantern? ]
Uh...yeah?
[ My name is Detective Bryce Layton, Anchorage PD. We’re texting you on behalf of an investigation. When was the last time this number contacted you? ]
Just check the last conversation po-po!
[ I will remind you this is official. ]
Oh believe me, sir, I’d be surprised if it wasn’t.
[ Can we call you? ]
Sure, but I won’t testify until you tell me what happened.
[ Fair enough. We recovered this phone from a crime scene on the edge of town. It looked like a drug deal gone bust. Quite the score too, looked like $20 million worth coke packed into a school bus parked a few blocks from the scene. ]
No kidding?
[ Nope. It gets better. Abandoned factory. 30 bodies were recovered. All of them looked like they were trampled to death by a herd of reindeer, of all things. ]
Huh. Was a jolly old man in a red coat among them?
[ No, but we did manage to identify a high-up cartel member. ]
Identify?
[ Yeah, we found him on the curb. Get this, Someone had beaten him to death with a lump of coal, wrote his name on a piece of paper titled Naughty, and stuck it to his forehead. ]
Oh.
[ Mr. O’ Lantern, did the jolly old man you mentioned Have anything to do with this? ]
...No, sir. He didn’t.
Dec. 24th 11:42 PM: Outgoing message to: Mrs. C
Mrs. Clause?
[ Jack, I never would’ve thought you could pull it off. ]
It wasn’t that hard. Props to you for convincing him to do the heist, but I knew Santa would panic once my boys boosted his sleigh in the middle of it.
[ Didn’t think he’d go off the deep end like he did. But I’m impressed how well you handled it. ]
Risky chance, but the pay was fine.
[ Considering he gave you cash for Anchorage, and for “finding” and returning the sleigh, you’ve scored big! ]
Is he in the sleigh?
[ It’s the 24th, Jack. He’s probably on his way back. ]
Well, that oughta keep witnesses to a minimum. You have the detonator?
[ Holding it right now. What “present” did you plant in the sleigh? ]
Bounds of Holly. People will think they’ve seen a shooting star. Per your request; This time next year, you’ll be the one keeping names on the "Nice" List...
[ Jack, you’re a dastardly old fiend. ]
I’m the Jack O’Lantern, sweetheart. You can wire your gratuity to my offshore account. Six figures, at least. Mind me asking though?
[ Go ahead ]
What beef with him caused you to do all this?
[ He had a poor choice in friends... ]