All adults have, in their memory, the places which defined their childhood. They just have to shut their eyes to visualize them and the feelings associated with these places come flooding back. When ... [+]
[ Hey Jack! What’s up? ]
Nothing much right now. Cleaning up for holidays. How’s the pre-holiday Vegas trip?
[ It’s great! I’m actually at the bank right now. Mrs. Clause wanted me to drop by it. ]
Really? I didn’t know you had an account. You win big?
[ No, it’s for the elves’ paycheck. ]
Gotcha.
[ Yeah. Funny thing though, I know you’re in town for a costume con. Are you busy right now? ]
Por que?
[ I need a ride. From the bank. REALLY soon. ]
What happened to the sleigh?
[ It’s...outside ]
Ok...?
[ It’s...also surrounded. ]
What?! By who? You need me to scare them?
[ No, you’re off for the year. It’s just...you know, I’m good! I’ll find a ride. Thanks Jack. ]
Um, Ok.
Dec. 13th, 3:37 PM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Hey Jack! ]
Hey, what happened to the sleigh?
[ The sleigh’s...fine, but I’m flying back now. Or, I was flying back now. ]
So...the sleigh isn’t fine?
[ I...lost the sleigh in poker. I was en route to Anchorage on an Alaskan flight. ]
Oh, sorry about that. What do you mean was?
[ That’s the thing. Do you have any costume stores in LA? They’re closed now, right? ]
Well yeah, I’m not working. There’s one downtown, I’ll email you the door code.
[ Thanks man ]
Wait, LA? You’re flying out of LAX? Why aren’t you flying out of Vegas?
Bro?
Dec. 14th, 8:42 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
Hey, I called LAX, they didn’t mention you flying on Alaskan yesterday. But they did mention a disturbance around the time you texted me. You good?
Dec 15th, 2:01 AM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Hey man, sorry to get back to you late. I’m...in Vancouver, BC. I would’ve called you in Seattle or Tacoma, but we got held up in Portland.]
...Dude, what the early? Are you making a run for the Canadian border? You ok?
[ Yeah, I’m good! ]
I can get you tickets on a flight you know...
[ No, it’s good! Just taking the scenic route. ]
Without your sleigh? How are you getting around?
[ A bus ]
You took a ‘scenic’ public bus from Portland to Vancouver, during the greyest time of the year?
[ No, I’m driving the bus. Actually, the bus has been with us since LA. Don’t ask what I’m hauling. ]
...Us? Where you at right now?
Dec 17th, 12:21 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
OK, what’s up? LAPD just called and told me that the store you crashed on the 13th was just hit by gangsters! Burned it to the ground!
[ I’m sorry to hear that. ]
Yeah, but it wasn’t just gangsters. It was the freakin’ cartel!
[ You sure? ]
Bro, I have a Mexican in-law who deals with the dead. YES. I’m sure.
[ Oh ]
What happened in Vegas?
[ Can’t talk now, business... ]
I’m calling your Mrs.
6:37 PM: Outgoing message to: Santa
Right. So Mrs. Clause told me that you were in Ontario for a business trip, not Vegas. She also said that you took Rudolph with you, but none of the other reindeer. She’s worried sick, what are you doing?
Dec 18th: 1:22 AM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Tu hermano no va a regresar Señorita. A menos que nos dé la ubicación de éste taller de que nos ha hablado ]
Just ran that through google. You mean the north pole?
[ Si no nos mandas una dirección, te mandaremos el mano de tu hermanito pobre ]
Uh...como?
[ You no speak Spanish? Speak English? Ok. ]
Yeah, I...You’re not Santa, are you?
[ Where are you taking the shipment? Who are you to steal from us? ]
I assume you’re the one in charge of wrecking the costume store in LA?
[ Yes, and I will burn your friend on a stake if you don’t answer me. ]
OK, where is he going?
[ Going? ]
Yeah, where’s he going?
[ All over the place, and his red-nose deer too, unless you tell us where you’re hiding the bus. ]
...
Ok. Let me talk to him.
[ Jack! It’s me, hey, I have some explaining to do... ]
Ya think?! Why is the Cartel after you for hitting a federal bank?
[ It’s...not that. By the way, how did you know about that? ]
Two and two together...
[ Right, well truth be told, I was short on cash. I needed more than just a few loans to afford the bus, and what was loaded on it. ]
...?
[ Btw: I wasn’t supposed to be driving the bus back. ‘Was only supposed to unload it. Things happened. ]
You robbed the government, and then tried to do business with the Cartel...
[ My man, that’s just the tip of the berg! The FDIC, FBI, PEETA, and the Catholic Church all have beef with me... ]
I have a feeling the FDA and Border Control are in queue?
[ Whatever. Look, can you do me one solid? ]
I have literally done nothing...except the costume store I assumed you hid in. That was also burned down, mind you...
[ I’ll cut you a share. Dial Mrs. Clause, and tell her to commence Operation “13 Days of Christmas.” She’ll know what I mean. ]
*sigh...After this, I’m expecting to own a portion of The North Pole. Does she need your local?
[ No, she’ll just track Rudolph’s “nose.” How else do you think NORAD tracks me every year? ]
Dec 20th 4:16 PM: Incoming message from: Santa
[ Mr. Jack O’Lantern? ]
Uh...yeah?
[ My name is Detective Bryce Layton, Anchorage PD. We’re texting you on behalf of an investigation. When was the last time this number contacted you? ]
Just check the last conversation po-po!
[ I will remind you this is official. ]
Oh believe me, sir, I’d be surprised if it wasn’t.
[ Can we call you? ]
Sure, but I won’t testify until you tell me what happened.
[ Fair enough. We recovered this phone from a crime scene on the edge of town. It looked like a drug deal gone bust. Quite the score too, looked like $20 million worth coke packed into a school bus parked a few blocks from the scene. ]
No kidding?
[ Nope. It gets better. Abandoned factory. 30 bodies were recovered. All of them looked like they were trampled to death by a herd of reindeer, of all things. ]
Huh. Was a jolly old man in a red coat among them?
[ No, but we did manage to identify a high-up cartel member. ]
Identify?
[ Yeah, we found him on the curb. Get this, Someone had beaten him to death with a lump of coal, wrote his name on a piece of paper titled Naughty, and stuck it to his forehead. ]
Oh.
[ Mr. O’ Lantern, did the jolly old man you mentioned Have anything to do with this? ]
...No, sir. He didn’t.
Dec. 24th 11:42 PM: Outgoing message to: Mrs. C
Mrs. Clause?
[ Jack, I never would’ve thought you could pull it off. ]
It wasn’t that hard. Props to you for convincing him to do the heist, but I knew Santa would panic once my boys boosted his sleigh in the middle of it.
[ Didn’t think he’d go off the deep end like he did. But I’m impressed how well you handled it. ]
Risky chance, but the pay was fine.
[ Considering he gave you cash for Anchorage, and for “finding” and returning the sleigh, you’ve scored big! ]
Is he in the sleigh?
[ It’s the 24th, Jack. He’s probably on his way back. ]
Well, that oughta keep witnesses to a minimum. You have the detonator?
[ Holding it right now. What “present” did you plant in the sleigh? ]
Bounds of Holly. People will think they’ve seen a shooting star. Per your request; This time next year, you’ll be the one keeping names on the "Nice" List...
[ Jack, you’re a dastardly old fiend. ]
I’m the Jack O’Lantern, sweetheart. You can wire your gratuity to my offshore account. Six figures, at least. Mind me asking though?
[ Go ahead ]
What beef with him caused you to do all this?
[ He had a poor choice in friends... ]