8:00 a.m. in bed. In a room.
"WAKE UP!" Loud Skanky voice screams through the room. "Grab a brush and put a little makeup! Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup!" Annoyed, I get up and turn off the alarm. I feel like i woke up in wonderland, but fast reality sinks in and it's deeper than Alice's fall. 10 days sober and longer down the rabbit hole. I've been having the same dream every night the past month. A huge black cat comes through my window, i look closer and she's blue, i wake up and see her. (And I m surprised each time) Again and again.
Today is cleaning day. Part of my recovery program is to maintain a clean space. vinegar and baking soda, all you need to clean every single thing in your home, so they say. I head to the kitchen and start making coffee before preparing my cleaning supplies. black and no sugar. Smells like a dog in heaven, (i thought). As i was drinking my coffee i thought how its been full month since ive spoken to anyone except for my weekly doctor appointment and Lea, the nosy girl at my work who oddly seems to initiate conversations with me despite my aloofness. Although she annoys me, i often appreciate her effort in trying to be nice to me. I often wonder what her life is like outside of work. All i know from our occasional and brief conversations is that she seem to always try either to lose weight, buy something new, or about a man she's dating. Lea has a habit of shoplifting, which she justifies through her disdain for big corporations. She applies the same logic to buying fake designer bags. "We cant make the richer become richer" she'd often say. "Besides, they're all made from the same cheap fabric anyway. Lea is also obsessed with self help books. Last time she suggested me to read "Smarter Habits" she told me it had helped her replace bad habits like overeating and social media addiction with better ones like going to the sauna or doing yoga. Although she's open about her flaws and weakness,completely uninhabited, oddly inspiring to me. t's almost as if she's openly talking about them just to hide something more important, more sacred. I never was interested enough to find out about it.
As the afternoon approached and im done with cleaning my room, i felt a sudden emptiness. Afternoons are the time where my cravings peaks. My hands were hungry for something to grab. Window open, sun is in. No warmth. The body is not contained. I could never run from whatever is wrong inside of me. I'm a loser and need to face it. I have no choice but to set with me. I feel a knot forming in the pit of my stomach, like ants deciding to finally make a gathering about conquering the world.
I set down to open the news, "demonstrations turn tense as police intervene..."
all i could think of is what's the point? What am I trying to be sober for. I see too much, im blind from seeing. The facts are getting clearer and. I can't unsee them anymore. My flaws are amplified, my weakness magnified. The truth is so clear. It shines brighter than the orange face in the headlines. All addictions are but a longing for a cruel God.Raws of gentle devils uncovering some secret chords. I want to eat them. I'm God's unloved child. A dance of bad angels, longing to be lifted to the sky against its inadequacy on his ground.
Its late afternoon, i prepare for my evening work shift. Because of the city demonstrations, my shift has moved from morning to evening. I feel an odd relief that I'd soon be leaving my apartment as if i was leaving a dead body in it. Plus, for the first time, i strangely look foreward to seeing Lea. She's a stranger and she doesnt know it, but she is almost all I have left anchoring me into this false reality, between myself and the abyss of my own thoughts. For example, instead of talking about the political un rest in the news, she'd talk about the new ice cream flavor at Mcdonald or her new balenciaga bag. And i think, that's how the suns brighntess can blind you. And i think again, i want to be just as full of stupidity and life. So I grab my small mirror and start by putting concealor to cover my dark under eyes, The greatest thing capitalism ever figured out was how to profit from the problems it creates. I have have to look presentable for survival reasons. If I drop my mask, my face would just melt. if go naked into the world, my soul would crush. so i just continue with my makeup. I grab my coat and head out of the door.
I arrive to the office early and eager. A file on my desk with a note "done by tomorrow morning". Half an hour later Lea arrives unusually late. She is wearing a huge black coat and a very dark blue scarf around her neck. "Sorry traffic was very bad today" she picks up the file "we need to start working on this as soon as possible". she says. " i just dont see the point in it, i mean considering everything that is currently happening"
"oh dont be silly" she says
"we're only doing our job, were not saving lives or changing the world" she says
Suddenly lea turns to me and looks at me intensely "you dont matter, we dont matter" "you think your ideals are making you superior, that your rebellion makes you special," she she opens the curtain and points to the demonstrations "take a look,
are many others who thinks life is but a joke just like you and me " my confusion grows a mile as I slowly realize that its no longer lea who's speaking but rather i was looking at my own reflection. I get up, i wanted to take my bag to leave, but i was struck by her face. How did i not see that before? The cat was nothing but a mirror. Im Lea's dream. i've opened myself to the promising indifference of the world, i want the appetite for fake meat, i want the unnatural hunger. I want to be drunk on illusion, the constant twisting of sobriety. I want to be chocked by everything that has been served for me. No longer ungrateful, forever blind and ever consuming. Still Unsatisfied and ravenous. So I needed to change. i tried to shake myself into million different people but even in Lea's body I'm still in the same mold. Shaped by uncontrollable forces and those who came before and will have to come. Shaped by something larger than our stupid little minds and bodies. Im still here in the same mold. I look through the window, chaos are drawn across this town, boys and girls without no chains, riot like before again, yet nothing changed. Our world, turns in cycles, loops, repeating itself without end. I look to see their faces which reflected mine. Equally charmed by his circle. W're all God's unloved children, dances of bad angels, longing to be lifted to the sky against the inadequacies of his ground.
