Ode to the Hallmark Original Movie ‘Window Wonderland’


ago
2 min
19
readings
7
Qualified
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Ha, okay.
A Hallmark original,
Usually just dribble all
Ravaged up and packaged in a bland trash ribbon ball
Cash grab, insipid plot, why even bother
To talk about the closing of a store or distant father?
Traumatic family incident or puppies run amok,
I don’t need 90 minutes just to see it’s gonna suck.
Fine, Mom, I’ll sit down...
But have no misdirection.
I’mma grill this deep and nestle into wrestling with dissection
Don’t get me wrong, I love cute
I love idyllic stories
Romance, the swell of music, kissing in its glories!
But give me some paprika
Some beckonings of spice!
Human flaws and clever writing, not just ‘Mr. Nice’
Five minutes in, and it’s pretty soporific
I’ll just go now...
Life is hard when you’re a critic
The myriads of wasted talent, pithy plots and gall
When the writers think you haven’t got an intellect at all
Wait. Hollup hollup wait.
Okay. If I’m not mistaken, that was a clever line.
That’s fine. Okay! That’s weird. He’s smart. And I like his beard.
An actual genesis of thought to menace this cheaply bought Hallmark original film?
Was that a joke? Was that unplanned? I’m unnerved by this young man,
and it’s like...he’s funny? And a total screwball, like an actual realistic dork? It feels like he just sort of showed up and was like “Yeah, I can be a human being” and Hallmark was like “Are you sure? we’ve never tried that before” and he was like “Yeah.”
....Is he improvising these lines?
And he looks adorable, but like a human man and not a Ken doll distant and refined?
And this girl, okay, she’s sure to be flawed
Some sugar-lacquered cut-out with the semblance of odd
Character traits to convince us she’s actually real,
Ambitious and doesn’t need men but she feels
The need anyway to be with one, we got this, it‘s fine
This formulaic grasping shows up here now, every time.
Wait, this girl is actually relatable
And dare I say it DATEABLE
And I actually FEEL THIS GIRL ON A NUMBER OF LEVELS??
And she’s ambitious but not in a movie-tries-to-shove-that-in-your-face-way?
And her insecurities are shown through subtle facial expressions and not spelled out point by point?
Tipping my bowler hat now, giving it my deference
Wait up are you for real is that a Casablanca reference?
Scene to scene I mean dang, this is straight sadistic
I don’t understand I mean ‘cause this plot is REALISTIC
And it’s really funny how the main guy’s really broke and
Through notable cliches why am I laughing at these jokes and
HOLY smokes, that villain’s subtlety and class though
Without a doubt he’s certainly a veritable as...certainable jerk and well written
WHERE IS ALL THE CHEDDAR CHEESE THAT’S USUALLY IN HALLMARK
THIS WELL-WRITTEN RHETORIC IS HITTING ME WITH GALL, mark
my words, if there ever was a movie I respect now
It’s this gem amongst the piles of formulaic mess, wow
I’mma go now, here’s the clicker little sister, gotta take a second
Enjoy your transcendental experience.
Respect. Lit.
7

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Margaret Hall · ago
This made me laugh. I've had this exact experience with Hallmark. Very powerful undertones as well with the exhausting nature of critique and how we close ourselves off from things that are actually pretty good because of stereotypes.