First, admit that you have never been happy. Admit that joy is a commodity reserved for those far outside of your understanding. Admit that pain has always felt more natural to you because it lets you know you're not dead yet and you need a constant reminder.
Next, feel the cords of muscle tighten as you try to relax. Inertia in the physical world manifested in an inability to touch your toes. Take one large breath and choke on it as a reminder that bad habits leave a lasting impression, then straddle the bike.
Do not be scared. Confidence keeps you alive. Close your fingers around the bars softened by worn leather-like wrapping. Squeeze the brakes to check that they are working and to help steady your stance while immobile. Know that the faster you move the easier the balancing act becomes.
Now, pick a destination. You have two options: something to ride to or something to ride from. The former fills a void more concretely, an accomplishment which can be measured in more than just miles and minutes, but strangers and campsites from one coast to the next. Ride away from the overwrought nights in blacked out self-loathing, waiting for something exciting to happen. But, while you can temporarily escape a place, thoughts persist sharp and clear.
Go.
Push down on the pedal. Smile at the simplicity of movement, the freedom of mobility. Zero to... well how fast can you go? But remember, it's not about speed, it's about rhythm. Cadence carries you both up and down each hill so watch the terrain as closely as you would a lover, for this is also a two-way street.
If you have them, learn to use your gears and your body in conjunction with your mind. At first this will be sloppy, loud like sand grinding between your teeth and you will often misjudge when to move the chain. Do not get discouraged because soon it will be as natural as breathing.
You are in full control so when you begin to fall remember turning into it will keep you up longer. Eventually you will fall. When you do, taste the iron and salt of blood mix with sweat into a beautiful crimson cocktail. Be proud it was you who got you there.
Get up. Keep going.
Realize your own grace, your own power, and loosen your grip from the handlebars slightly, the more entwined you become the less tightly you have to hold on. Finally, feel the warmth resonate throughout your body touching every cell and every drop of blood; the miracle of a heart designed to pump in time with the cadence of your strength overpowering the pain, and the naturalness of it all.
Next, feel the cords of muscle tighten as you try to relax. Inertia in the physical world manifested in an inability to touch your toes. Take one large breath and choke on it as a reminder that bad habits leave a lasting impression, then straddle the bike.
Do not be scared. Confidence keeps you alive. Close your fingers around the bars softened by worn leather-like wrapping. Squeeze the brakes to check that they are working and to help steady your stance while immobile. Know that the faster you move the easier the balancing act becomes.
Now, pick a destination. You have two options: something to ride to or something to ride from. The former fills a void more concretely, an accomplishment which can be measured in more than just miles and minutes, but strangers and campsites from one coast to the next. Ride away from the overwrought nights in blacked out self-loathing, waiting for something exciting to happen. But, while you can temporarily escape a place, thoughts persist sharp and clear.
Go.
Push down on the pedal. Smile at the simplicity of movement, the freedom of mobility. Zero to... well how fast can you go? But remember, it's not about speed, it's about rhythm. Cadence carries you both up and down each hill so watch the terrain as closely as you would a lover, for this is also a two-way street.
If you have them, learn to use your gears and your body in conjunction with your mind. At first this will be sloppy, loud like sand grinding between your teeth and you will often misjudge when to move the chain. Do not get discouraged because soon it will be as natural as breathing.
You are in full control so when you begin to fall remember turning into it will keep you up longer. Eventually you will fall. When you do, taste the iron and salt of blood mix with sweat into a beautiful crimson cocktail. Be proud it was you who got you there.
Get up. Keep going.
Realize your own grace, your own power, and loosen your grip from the handlebars slightly, the more entwined you become the less tightly you have to hold on. Finally, feel the warmth resonate throughout your body touching every cell and every drop of blood; the miracle of a heart designed to pump in time with the cadence of your strength overpowering the pain, and the naturalness of it all.