"Can I get you anything?" Granny Marion asked from the kitchen. "I'm afraid I don't have much here."
"I'm alright," I called back to her, tugging at the neck of my varsity jumper. I'd realised on
...
[+]
Her breath hitched in her throat. The moment was finally here - again. It felt surreal. The breeze felt cool on her face, its wisps running through her loose strands of hair. The sun was struggling to peek through thick clouds, with only a faint halo visible. The sounds of the traffic on the street - the sounds of life - were all-consuming, like a veil attempting to embrace her against her will. Placing her hands on the low-bearing wall, she pushed herself onto the edge, balancing on one leg, then the other. It was a long way down. But, she wasn't terrified. Every fiber of her being knew this was it - to let go. Yet, she found herself stalling. While gazing into the distance, her life was unfolding in her mind, time seemed to freeze. Everything sparked clarity momentarily. She felt everything around and on her with visceral limpidity. Taking a deep breath, she leaned forward. Her feet left the ground. It was too late for a do-over. She braced for impact. Yet, in a split second, regret filled her being, jolting her out of her trance. Seconds felt like lifetimes.
A white-tiled ceiling greeted me. It hurt to move. A large window lined the entire corner of the room. A drip was attached to my left hand. Flowers and fruit baskets sat at the foot of my bed. The silence was accompanied by the faint beeping of machines. I survived... again. Dread filled me, black and acrid, instead of relief. Something kept me in this realm. Why? Why did I keep surviving? I was more determined this time. I took ALL the pills. So why didn't it work? I never got the chance to live life on my own terms. I can't even leave on my own terms. Am I truly destined for misery? The gaping wound in my heart seemed to burgeon.
It took everything in me to be there. This was not just anybody's funeral. A wreath circled her picture frame. Her casket was rose gold with roses lining its sides. She donned a simple white dress. Nothing fancy. I lay my eyes on her. The noise around me fades away. The grief I felt was grief. It engulfed and consumed me. How do I go on without you? My insides were crawling. I felt sick to my stomach, like I had been eating dirt for days. Why did you leave me? You promised to live out your days, make them count, like I vowed to you. You broke your promise. Do you know how incredibly furious I am at you?
In case you were wondering what happened to that shirt you were looking for, it's in my room. Feel free to look around when the madness is over. You must hate me so much right now. It feels like I'm naked and you're bearing witness to my soul. Regardless, you deserve my transparency. I've always been sick. I've never felt whole. I've been rotting away. When I decided enough was enough, I had no more soul left in me to try to fathom living just one more day. At first, I refused to believe this entity in me wanted me to surrender to it. I thought it would leave once I willed it to disappear. I did everything I could. Nothing worked. I even went to the doc. A part of me was terrified. It was like a different part of me was taking over my sanity and my consciousness. But that too didn't work. The medications zonked me out. This was 16. I probably felt this way wayyyy before that, though. I'm 28 now. 12 years of pain, suffering & unimaginable loneliness. I had people. But I felt empty. My soul has withered away. It feels like an uphill battle to just BE. Mum didn't know at first, but I could no longer hide it. You see, this entity is stuck to me, like cancer. It won't shake off. It spread, seeping into the crevices of my being. I let it consume me. If I fought it, it fought back harder. Letting go meant less resistance. But it also meant saying goodbye. I already missed you when I was in the process of leaving. Morbid. But I need you to know that I tried. This decision wasn't made on a whim. It was deliberate. You are precious to me. This stage of life will try to kill your soul. Do me a favour. Stay. You've been here before. I saw through that with you, and it devastated me to live the short possibility of life without you around. But it also meant that you, too, know what I've endured for so long. I lost my fight. I'm selfish for asking this of you, but stay. I live on in you. I'd see the world through your eyes, pure and real. Not like mine. Contaminated and rotten. Be all in. For us. In my next life, I promise to find you. You will know. I give you my word. Love, as I am part of you now, C. P.S. Remember me for everything else, not the day I left. Okay?
I thought the funeral was going to be excruciating. Wrong. Attempting to live without my best friend felt impossible, like trying to breathe underwater. Standing in her room without her felt alien. Her perfume still lingered in the air. Everything remained exactly the way I had left it that day, hours before I'd received the call. The pictures we took, the books we promised to talk about, the trinkets we bought at the local market. She had indeed taken several of my tops without me noticing. I smiled to myself as a tear slid down my face. She won't be around to steal them anymore.
My eyes fell on a picture. Clarissa must've been around five. Her eyes twinkled with childish glee and innocence, free from this world's torments. The tiny mole under her left eye was ever so visible. Clarissa had buried this child deep within her when the depression took over. Was it an act of violence, rebellion, or protection? Did Clarissa forget that this child existed within her even during her final breath? Something significant shifted in me then. It was of a magnitude that I wasn't expecting. I realised that I, too, had an inner child. But I had drowned out her tiny voice mercilessly. Now, I had a responsibility to fulfill, for Clarissa and myself. I had been granted a second chance to make it right. I just needed to believe, radically. A sudden desire to live fiercely for the sake of someone else took root in me.
Mira turned five two days ago. She has a mole under her left eye. Dan adores her. Meeting Dan and having Mira was the antidote I needed. Dan loves me selflessly. I had truly believed that this reality would remain a figment of my imagination. My life was a far cry from the nightmare I had envisioned for myself. We were now at a rooftop restaurant in town. Simple pleasures were big in my little family. Dan had insisted I try the tiramisu here. He liked seeing me eat well. As I excused myself to the washroom, I took in my surroundings properly. That's when it hit me. Clarissa had celebrated her 21st here. It used to be a fast-food outlet then. The interior had changed considerably. It was now a bistro-bar. As I was walking, my eyes caught sight of the terrace. Something drew me in. It cannot be.
I was immediately transported back to the day I woke up in the hospital. I remembered it so vividly. This was where it happened. I could not imagine standing on the ledge now. Never in a million years would I have thought that I was capable of thinking that. I checked my phone. 18 November 2028. Exactly ten years since Clarissa passed. We were out on her death anniversary, in this restaurant, when she was the happiest she had been, and I was only back here after I found my life's purpose. It dawned on me. I had fulfilled my promise to her. I had pushed through everything in spite of how I felt, making sure Clarissa lived through me. What I gained through this was that I actually wanted to live. My breath hitched in my throat. I got your message, Cla.