He flinched as his ears were hit with a sudden monotone message that blared over his car speakers, much louder than the soft voice of the podcast host. "You have two new messages from ‘Magz': ‘Let us know when you get home, eh. Question Mark. The news is saying a lizard is coming over the mountains. Be safe, and remember to breathe.'" He chuckled, his sister would never stop using voice text. "‘You know what I mean.' Would you like to reply?" He attempted to relax in his seat, it was just Magz being the same paranoid older sister she had always been. When he had left her house, the sky was clear and the slight chill in the air felt refreshing. It had been a beautiful, April day. He doubted even Alberta's crazy weather would have a blizzard this late in the season.
He should've had less faith.
The snow hit within minutes. He felt his heart race even as he tried to calm himself down by breathing slowly. It was strangely quiet outside the car; the only sound was the rushing wind as the snow poured down in heaps. Towns were few and far apart, so who knew where the closest person was to him. The loneliness stabbed at his heart as he continued driving.
He carefully reached over and turned the knob to lower the volume of his podcast, taking deep breaths and listening attentively for any noise past the rushing wind. Now, he was thankful for the dark night which meant fewer drivers on the road. He dreaded the whoosh of a passing car, seeing lights in his rearview mirror, or the hum of an engine other than his.
Time seemed to move slower. As the snow fell, the world was at once illuminated and hidden. His headlights bounced off the white foil, but the snow covered everything. It was starting to look the same as the night of that fatal crash as the difference between the road and the empty land next to it became indistinguishable.
His knuckles had paled from his tight grip on the steering wheel. He took a deep breath and unlatched his hand, rubbing it across his brow. He was surprised to feel sweat, he hadn't paid attention to how the heat flushed through him. He checked the thermometer and his heart dropped, he felt much warmer than 22C.
Realization dawned on him, "Fuck." He was supposed to have gotten over this. The pit in his stomach suddenly swelled as tears formed lakes in his eyes and he struggled to blink them away. It had been over a year; how could it still be affecting him. He pulled over to the side of the road, put on his emergency lights, and leaned his head back- blinking away the tears. He stared up at the interior of his truck, avoiding looking at the passenger side. He knew she wouldn't be there, she would never be there again. The smooth grey that covered the ceiling welcomed him.
"Hey, GOOGle," His voice cracked and he coughed it away. "Call Magz."
"Calling Magz." The line rang over the Bluetooth car connection once, then twice.
"Please pick up, please pick up." He murmured, he could feel his throat tightening.
Finally, the receiver clicked. He knew she was on the other side, waiting for him to speak.
"Heya there," He choked on the tightness that continued expanding. "Magz." He attempted a cheerful voice, but it was a failure before he even began. "Thanks for the message. Uh, you should probably stop using voice to text, it never hears you correctly."
"Maybe, but I bet you laughed at the mistake so where's the fun in life if I stop." She got quiet and all he heard was the quiet buzz of the telephone before she spoke again. "Is it happening again?" Her voice was calm, but strong. She was a safe point for him, had always been ever since they were kids.
"Yeah, yeah it is." He paused, giving her the chance to jump in. Hoping maybe she would say something, but she didn't. "I feel like I'm back there again and, and..."
"I know you miss her a lot."
"Oh, Magz. She was everything to me." Tear drops were escaping and running rivers down his cheeks. "Before this damn blizzard hit I felt maybe, possibly, I was getting better, you know? Everyone said I was getting better. So why am I not better! Why do I still wake up expecting her to be there before I remember that she's dead." Snot fell from his nose and his cheeks were wet, but his eyes dry.
"There is no set pace for grieving, everyone has their own. And you loved her, that grief isn't going to disappear anytime soon. You might run into triggers, but you're not alone. I will always be here, only a text or phone call away."
Her words soothed his nerves like a fresh cup of tea and he felt himself relax.
"Thank you."
They fell into natural conversation. His grip loosened on the steering wheel and his muscles had released their energy by the time he heard his nephew crying on the other side of the phone line.
"You should go put him to sleep." His voice was scratchy, but steady. A remnant of the tears and tightness from earlier.
"Mm, I guess..." Magz trailed off. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"I'm almost home, I'll make it."
They exchanged their goodbyes and the line clicked, plunging him back into silence. The snow was falling lighter now. He stared at it as he drove along, what had brought him so much grief now felt spiritual in a sense. he couldn't help but admire the soft falling, how it stuck to every surface it touched, and how it lay thickly, looking like white bed comforters covering the world.
He should've had less faith.
The snow hit within minutes. He felt his heart race even as he tried to calm himself down by breathing slowly. It was strangely quiet outside the car; the only sound was the rushing wind as the snow poured down in heaps. Towns were few and far apart, so who knew where the closest person was to him. The loneliness stabbed at his heart as he continued driving.
He carefully reached over and turned the knob to lower the volume of his podcast, taking deep breaths and listening attentively for any noise past the rushing wind. Now, he was thankful for the dark night which meant fewer drivers on the road. He dreaded the whoosh of a passing car, seeing lights in his rearview mirror, or the hum of an engine other than his.
Time seemed to move slower. As the snow fell, the world was at once illuminated and hidden. His headlights bounced off the white foil, but the snow covered everything. It was starting to look the same as the night of that fatal crash as the difference between the road and the empty land next to it became indistinguishable.
His knuckles had paled from his tight grip on the steering wheel. He took a deep breath and unlatched his hand, rubbing it across his brow. He was surprised to feel sweat, he hadn't paid attention to how the heat flushed through him. He checked the thermometer and his heart dropped, he felt much warmer than 22C.
Realization dawned on him, "Fuck." He was supposed to have gotten over this. The pit in his stomach suddenly swelled as tears formed lakes in his eyes and he struggled to blink them away. It had been over a year; how could it still be affecting him. He pulled over to the side of the road, put on his emergency lights, and leaned his head back- blinking away the tears. He stared up at the interior of his truck, avoiding looking at the passenger side. He knew she wouldn't be there, she would never be there again. The smooth grey that covered the ceiling welcomed him.
"Hey, GOOGle," His voice cracked and he coughed it away. "Call Magz."
"Calling Magz." The line rang over the Bluetooth car connection once, then twice.
"Please pick up, please pick up." He murmured, he could feel his throat tightening.
Finally, the receiver clicked. He knew she was on the other side, waiting for him to speak.
"Heya there," He choked on the tightness that continued expanding. "Magz." He attempted a cheerful voice, but it was a failure before he even began. "Thanks for the message. Uh, you should probably stop using voice to text, it never hears you correctly."
"Maybe, but I bet you laughed at the mistake so where's the fun in life if I stop." She got quiet and all he heard was the quiet buzz of the telephone before she spoke again. "Is it happening again?" Her voice was calm, but strong. She was a safe point for him, had always been ever since they were kids.
"Yeah, yeah it is." He paused, giving her the chance to jump in. Hoping maybe she would say something, but she didn't. "I feel like I'm back there again and, and..."
"I know you miss her a lot."
"Oh, Magz. She was everything to me." Tear drops were escaping and running rivers down his cheeks. "Before this damn blizzard hit I felt maybe, possibly, I was getting better, you know? Everyone said I was getting better. So why am I not better! Why do I still wake up expecting her to be there before I remember that she's dead." Snot fell from his nose and his cheeks were wet, but his eyes dry.
"There is no set pace for grieving, everyone has their own. And you loved her, that grief isn't going to disappear anytime soon. You might run into triggers, but you're not alone. I will always be here, only a text or phone call away."
Her words soothed his nerves like a fresh cup of tea and he felt himself relax.
"Thank you."
They fell into natural conversation. His grip loosened on the steering wheel and his muscles had released their energy by the time he heard his nephew crying on the other side of the phone line.
"You should go put him to sleep." His voice was scratchy, but steady. A remnant of the tears and tightness from earlier.
"Mm, I guess..." Magz trailed off. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"I'm almost home, I'll make it."
They exchanged their goodbyes and the line clicked, plunging him back into silence. The snow was falling lighter now. He stared at it as he drove along, what had brought him so much grief now felt spiritual in a sense. he couldn't help but admire the soft falling, how it stuck to every surface it touched, and how it lay thickly, looking like white bed comforters covering the world.