It looks like a ghost heart. And it feels a little like Jello.
—Doris Taylor, bioengineer
I.
On the radio show Speaking of Faith, researcher Doris Taylor is telling us how to build a new
...
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"You do not have a choice in this matter!"
That was the words said to me by my parents when I was 12 years old, and when I was on the crossroad of choosing my junior high school. Those words has haunted me ever since, as I became very timid and understandably not confident of deciding what I was going to do with my life without others' approval - which in my case was my parents.
I was born from an Indonesian Chinese family that still maintained our Chinese culture and values that were brought from our ancestors from China. Amidst other Chinese descent families in Indonesia which has lost their ability to speak Mandarin as well as do not practice the Chinese culture anymore, my family, in particular still maintain the ability to speak Mandarin as well as maintaining traditional Chinese 'rituals' such as Cheng Beng - which is the practice of visiting the tombs of our grandparents and sweep them before praying to them using a coin or moon block. But the most important culture was, of course to honor parents and listen to each and every words they said, regardless of how I felt about it, sometimes to a degree that is unhealthy.
Looking back, I never had any kind of dreams or ambitions when I was graduating from my university, which is one of the top university in Indonesia. I was only asked by my parents to work hard and make a lot of money, but what purpose is hoarding a lot of money going to be used for was not clear (aside from not troubling my family and be able to give them back in some way later). Since my own father did not want me to start a business like him - as it carries a substantial amount risk of failure - working for others was the only viable choice that occurred to me after graduating, preferably getting a job that give me a high starting salary.
Afterwards, after several rejections as well as failures in applying for jobs, I finally managed to get a job at a subsidiary of a Japanese firm in Indonesia which at that time had a very low starting salary, which I need to accept as I have been looking for jobs for 6 months and did not get any that offers a high salary - and again as my parents suggested to take anything right now to sustain myself. I would then struggle in adjusting to the culture of the company as my motivation was only money. It took me years afterwards to find out that working only for the money is not a very good motivation to do your job, or to do anything for that matter. However, I did meet diverse teammates as well as a manager that showed me different perspectives in life, and I felt that was the turning point where I started to see life in a different way than what my parents taught me. The first manager that I have is not particularly ambitious or money oriented and he told me that he valued other things, such as his wife and his children well beings even higher than money. One of my team mate told me that he had other priorities in life, such as travelling around the world with his wife rather than saving up money endlessly. Another manager had also shown me that living in a honest way and putting aside your ego for your spouse to maintain a happy and fulfilling marriage. Each of them had encouraged me to see how living goes in different ways, as humans are not born just to be a success machine that prints money all his life. At that time, I did not understand them immediately but it was a starting point where different perspectives started to enter my thoughts, and probably just following what my parents wanted for my life is not what life is about. After all, I only have one life to live, and if the live I had spent living is not happy or fruitful, is it not the very definition of 'wasting away my life'?
Several years later, after hopping several jobs, I finally found a job that paid really well but at the same time, I also have the options to go abroad to Singapore and start my master's program. Actually, at that time I was not sure if I would be able to pay the tuition fee and would need to rely on all of my savings as well as taking a loan, and I was not really confident of getting the scholarship. If I had applied for the master's program, I would take a big risk as well as I would need to leave my current high paying job in Indonesia as well as leaving my friends. But having the chance to go abroad and open up my world was something that I have never experienced before as I have only been living in my country and know so little of others' way of thinking and cultures. Then everything started to make sense in my head, as the perspectives that was shared to me early on by my teammates and my manager would finally makes sense. It did not make a lot of sense at the time I listened to them, but at the moment when I was deciding this important decision, I finally understood why they did not prioritize success in their life. I realized that there are a lot of different aspects that make one person feel fulfilled in living their life : creating new relationships, maintaining the close relationships that we have, having new experiences with friends, going to foreign places that we have never been before, as well as chances to learn different cultures and languages is what makes the life we living colorful, rather than sticking with only black or white (such as seeing someone only on the basis of success or failure).
I finally took the big leap to leave my job to go abroad and start my master's program, eventhough at that time I was not sure if I would receive any scholarship. But I had made up my mind, I am more than just the person I was when I was 12 years old who did not have a choice but to keep following others' perceived path of success. I am the only person that can define what success is for my life and taking the big leap to leave my life in Indonesia to go to Singapore and facing the uncertainties is one thing I believe I will not regret. After all, I do not see myself as a success machine, but a human being that have his own dream to live his life to the fullest, and if taking this big leap is what is required, then so be it. I do not regret the choice nor the prices that I have paid to be where I am today : I do have choices on how to live my life.
That was the words said to me by my parents when I was 12 years old, and when I was on the crossroad of choosing my junior high school. Those words has haunted me ever since, as I became very timid and understandably not confident of deciding what I was going to do with my life without others' approval - which in my case was my parents.
I was born from an Indonesian Chinese family that still maintained our Chinese culture and values that were brought from our ancestors from China. Amidst other Chinese descent families in Indonesia which has lost their ability to speak Mandarin as well as do not practice the Chinese culture anymore, my family, in particular still maintain the ability to speak Mandarin as well as maintaining traditional Chinese 'rituals' such as Cheng Beng - which is the practice of visiting the tombs of our grandparents and sweep them before praying to them using a coin or moon block. But the most important culture was, of course to honor parents and listen to each and every words they said, regardless of how I felt about it, sometimes to a degree that is unhealthy.
Looking back, I never had any kind of dreams or ambitions when I was graduating from my university, which is one of the top university in Indonesia. I was only asked by my parents to work hard and make a lot of money, but what purpose is hoarding a lot of money going to be used for was not clear (aside from not troubling my family and be able to give them back in some way later). Since my own father did not want me to start a business like him - as it carries a substantial amount risk of failure - working for others was the only viable choice that occurred to me after graduating, preferably getting a job that give me a high starting salary.
Afterwards, after several rejections as well as failures in applying for jobs, I finally managed to get a job at a subsidiary of a Japanese firm in Indonesia which at that time had a very low starting salary, which I need to accept as I have been looking for jobs for 6 months and did not get any that offers a high salary - and again as my parents suggested to take anything right now to sustain myself. I would then struggle in adjusting to the culture of the company as my motivation was only money. It took me years afterwards to find out that working only for the money is not a very good motivation to do your job, or to do anything for that matter. However, I did meet diverse teammates as well as a manager that showed me different perspectives in life, and I felt that was the turning point where I started to see life in a different way than what my parents taught me. The first manager that I have is not particularly ambitious or money oriented and he told me that he valued other things, such as his wife and his children well beings even higher than money. One of my team mate told me that he had other priorities in life, such as travelling around the world with his wife rather than saving up money endlessly. Another manager had also shown me that living in a honest way and putting aside your ego for your spouse to maintain a happy and fulfilling marriage. Each of them had encouraged me to see how living goes in different ways, as humans are not born just to be a success machine that prints money all his life. At that time, I did not understand them immediately but it was a starting point where different perspectives started to enter my thoughts, and probably just following what my parents wanted for my life is not what life is about. After all, I only have one life to live, and if the live I had spent living is not happy or fruitful, is it not the very definition of 'wasting away my life'?
Several years later, after hopping several jobs, I finally found a job that paid really well but at the same time, I also have the options to go abroad to Singapore and start my master's program. Actually, at that time I was not sure if I would be able to pay the tuition fee and would need to rely on all of my savings as well as taking a loan, and I was not really confident of getting the scholarship. If I had applied for the master's program, I would take a big risk as well as I would need to leave my current high paying job in Indonesia as well as leaving my friends. But having the chance to go abroad and open up my world was something that I have never experienced before as I have only been living in my country and know so little of others' way of thinking and cultures. Then everything started to make sense in my head, as the perspectives that was shared to me early on by my teammates and my manager would finally makes sense. It did not make a lot of sense at the time I listened to them, but at the moment when I was deciding this important decision, I finally understood why they did not prioritize success in their life. I realized that there are a lot of different aspects that make one person feel fulfilled in living their life : creating new relationships, maintaining the close relationships that we have, having new experiences with friends, going to foreign places that we have never been before, as well as chances to learn different cultures and languages is what makes the life we living colorful, rather than sticking with only black or white (such as seeing someone only on the basis of success or failure).
I finally took the big leap to leave my job to go abroad and start my master's program, eventhough at that time I was not sure if I would receive any scholarship. But I had made up my mind, I am more than just the person I was when I was 12 years old who did not have a choice but to keep following others' perceived path of success. I am the only person that can define what success is for my life and taking the big leap to leave my life in Indonesia to go to Singapore and facing the uncertainties is one thing I believe I will not regret. After all, I do not see myself as a success machine, but a human being that have his own dream to live his life to the fullest, and if taking this big leap is what is required, then so be it. I do not regret the choice nor the prices that I have paid to be where I am today : I do have choices on how to live my life.