Remedy can be a tricky word.
A remedy can relieve you,
But keep you stagnant,
Unable to grow.
The salves that soothe my wounds
Sting and ache.
That is how it goes.
That is how it happens.
Remedies can be vicious-
They heal and exacerbate
Calm and aggravate.

I'm craving control-
Control of the
projection of images
That turns and churns
Under the lids of my eyes
An endless carousel of scenes

Click, click, click, click.

I crave control
When the gusts of the world
Twist me and push me down,
And my brain gets ugly.
Everything mean,
Obscene,
It all rushes onscreen.
And I have to keep vigilant-
Keep my eyes on the meter,
Keep slamming buttons and pulling levers,
Anything to keep this machine hot.
Because to leave it alone,
Even for a moment-
Lets the scenes
Flash before me.

These wires are faulty,
This software runs poorly.

Control.
I would rather crash
When I am holding the wheel.
I would rather jump from this precipice
Than have you push me down
Without my say.

If I were capable of wisdom,
Or fantastic leadership,
My cuts would be healed,
My bruises would be lightened.
If my head could guide my hands
In a beautiful way,
My control would be my medicine.

A lie.
but I still take the pill every day.