Some Things Never Change

You always hear people talking about their mom being their best friend or their mom doing this and that for them and being so excited to see them, but what about when that's not the case? What about when it's the opposite actually? You may hear the saying "we are a product of our environment", and I believe that is very true. I believe that whether we want to be or not, we are all affected at least a little bit, in some way, by the people and things that are around us. I personally think that I was very much affected by the people around me and what was going on, to this day sometimes it still affects me. A whole 18 years later and here I am still trying to make sense out of "motherly instincts" and why some moms must just never get them? Anyways, let me tell you about my childhood...which is why I am the way I am today; strong (i try to be), confident, sensitive, doubtful, closed-off, etc.
My dad joined the army right after graduating high school, when he was 17, getting stationed all over the world and having new experiences everyday. My mom lived in Kentucky and was 17 at the time she had my older brother, ( J ), with his biological father. My mom and dad met shortly after in Kentucky while my dad was stationed there. They got married 3 months after meeting, and then I was born in June 2003, with my mom being 19 years old and my dad was 22 years old. My older brother and I have the same mom and different dads, but my dad has been in J's life since he was around 6 months old. We moved all over together with my dad still being in the army.
Fast forward a few years later and we're living on base in Georgia and my dad was deployed so it was just me, J, and my mom at home. My mom went out a lot at night with friends and then would sleep all day normally. It eventually got bad enough sadly that my dad had to leave the army to take care of my brother and I. The army wouldn't let our grandparents take us because of their age. Unfortunately what my dad loved to do had to come to an end right there, but he did it in a heartbeat for us. In a way, I think it was a blessing in disguise because my brothers and I both don't know where we would be today without my dad. My older brother did end up living with my mom in Texas, although I went with my dad and we lived in Pennsylvania, in Dover.
Fast forwarding again a few years later and one day my dad tells me we're going to meet some friends at the airport! I was wondering the whole time who it could be on our way there, and we finally got there and it was my mom and my big brother! J and I were so excited we had each other to play with again. I don't remember the exact time frame, but next, my little brother, ( G ) was born in February 2010. This was so exciting for me to be getting a little sibling, I remember for Christmas I asked for specifically boy baby dolls so I could practice and pretend to hold G, feed him, change him, etc. Then, with the new baby and stress, my parents started fighting more often again. All I remember next is, we had some good, fun family times, and there were a lot of moments when life was so sweet all together, but at some point that all stopped and the chaos repeated itself again.
My dad and brothers and I ended up moving into a different house, in Dover still and my mom got an apartment with her boyfriend at the time. We visited her every now and then but her boyfriend drank a lot and we didn't have our own rooms or any cable/phones or not much toys, so there wasn't much for us to do when there. A few years later, she moved back to Kentucky and Texas. I was around 10 years old, in 5th grade and J was in 7th grade and G was around 3 years old. I went through so many emotions during all the years while she was moved away. I'm sure both of my brothers did too, although they didn't show it as much. G was pretty young for the majority of it as well. I was sad, mad, hurt, but at some points, even thankful. Thankful? You may ask why? Thankful because I had the best and amazing dad and grandparents who showered me and my brothers with the love and affection we never really got from our mom. A lot of times though, I was more hurt and confused than anything. I could not figure out how she didn't miss seeing us or being around us or hearing our laugh and playing with our hair. As I hit middle school and got a cellphone we talked over social media. But to not help matters at all, she ended up dating an old boyfriend from high school and he had 3 daughters. She moved in with them and took care of them with no issue, she posted them all over facebook, breaking my heart a little more with each post I saw.
Time passed by and we all grew up and my dad started dating someone new. It was hard at first with a new "mom figure" in my life because I wasn't used to it, but now my stepmom and I are on great terms and I wouldn't change a thing! My sophomore year in high school, my mom ended up moving back to PA and meeting some guy in the area and moved in with him. My brothers and I were all so excited because it had been 5-6ish years since we saw her last. We ended up going there every other weekend and some holidays split. Eventually, some bad habits returned that put a dent in our relationship because of the way she acted and things she would say to us. I stopped going over there as much and that didn't make her too happy with me either. At one point she even "unfriended me" on all social media and when I confronted her about it she told me: "Yeah I did, and I don't feel bad about it, you do."
But, there are also good factors of why I am the way I am today! My dad and my stepmom and grandparents and a bunch of other family members impacted me in such a good way. They were all there for me every step of the way, for anything I wanted to do. Even my cheer coaches when I did cheerleading, cheer was a big impact in my life and my coaches always pushed me to be the best when I did it! Also, my brothers, we all had each other's backs and we always knew that. We were each other's best friends and always played together and hung out together, we still do! My dad has always went above and beyond for the 3 of us, and I know that we are all so very grateful for him.
In life, there are so many stages we go through while trying to figure out life. It's even harder when the people raising you are still trying to figure out life as well, this doesn't have to be a bad thing either. Everyone figures out life everyday as they go. I believe what I went through growing up has a big impact on me and why I am the way I am today. I have huge trust issues and abandonment issues for the fear that people will always leave since my own mom did. I still remind myself to this day to not let stuff get to me because I know that she missed out on raising an awesome kid. Sometimes I catch myself being jealous of people who are best friends with their mom and I wish I had that growing up, but I remember my dad was my best friend and that was the greatest gift of all.♡