Cereal Dater

I have a talent for doing this thing that I hate
And maybe kind of judge when other people do
I'm a cereal dater
And I'm, like, really good at it, too.
Ever since I was a freshman of only seventeen
I've tested an assortment of different men
The majority: Mechanical engineers.
But I've tried quite a few beyond them.
Around each successive man
I would make a new life plan
Changing my position to match his ambition
So he would think I was the perfect one
For him
And, okay, that was kind of stupid.
Actually, crazy.
But I don't do that anymore because I realized:
Maddie, there are things in store
For your life
Better than you can imagine
So live your own plan
And stop piggybacking off of theirs.
So I was like "alright, cool"
I can do this
And I'm pretty sure that the men around me knew
Because I started going on more than first dates
And now that I was no longer a freshman
I was thinking I was ready to find a mate
I was grown up
No more making pancakes every morning
I was a working girl,
And ain't nobody got time for anything but cereal.
There I was an ambitious
Lookin' for
Someone sweet to fill my breakfast bowl
The first one to come around
And say
"Hey Bashaw, I'm here to stay" was
Smart, funny, kind
An off brand
Of Golden Grahams
Meant for one woman in particular
(Who isn't me)
Then I chose to try some cheerios
Prince Charming with a cheery smile
Who stuck around for a while
And I told my friends
This is it, I'm done
I've found the one
Sweet and pleasing
Joking, teasing
But it came to an end with a
"Let's just be friends"
And for some reason
Cereal didn't seem appealing anymore
Hot on his heels
Came the honey nut version
In this bowl I made a full immersion
Funnier, sweeter
More ambitious
Even my roommates though he was delicious
And then he ended it
Not terribly long ago
He told me we were through
He'd "realized" he had feelings for a friend
It's funny, because you know how many times this has happened to me?
Not once, not twice, let's try three.
Safe to say ladies,
If you've a man "friend" from whom you want more
Turn him over to me
He'll be back in thirty days
(Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back)
I guess what I'm trying to say with this over long breakfast-y metaphor
Is that you get to a point where you've had it all before
I'm getting pretty tired of this morning food
Because it feels like I'm dating the exact same dude
Maybe it's time I realized that cereal just wasn't meant for me
All the same, though
I would be down for a bit of granola and some almond milk
Because concessions can be made and I'm not the problem
But, admittedly, they're not either.
Thankfully, honesty is easy when you've got nothing to lose
And while I love cereal and its saccharine crunch
I gotta admit, man
It's time for lunch.