Abuelo is dying.
He has been dying for a while, some odd quantity of months.
I have learned that like plants, humans can wither so quickly.
One day, we are so healthy our flowers are fully bloomed, and the leaves shine bright with green.
Then, out of nowhere, something happens.
Ageing hits like a brick wall.
He is what we call old in age. But in life, he was young.
He was healthy.
He was vibrant.
He served people.
He was still very full of life.
In less than one year, it all changed.
His mind started to wander.
His strength is being lost.
He does not look the same.
He did not gain a thousand more wrinkles overnight.
But you can see that life is fleeing him.
He is running out of time.
Somehow, we all must keep a straight face. Continue to be functional humans.
As a family, we have been learning to continue our day to day with death looming.
We all feel it, we all see it, we all know it is coming.
But the worst of it is not knowing when it will arrive.
None of us know when we or our loved ones will die.
But we are allowed to forget.
And we forget so much, that we mistreat ourselves and them.
We take for granted our conversations.
We bicker and fight about irrelevant things.
Family feuds last decades.
But the beautiful side of looming death is that all of that can change in a nightfall.
My abuelo has always been a very stubborn man.
His word is law, and anything that falls outside of it is shunned.
For years I lacked his love because my path was not as he desired.
But today, I feel like his favorite granddaughter.
There is not a week that goes by without me calling him, cherishing him.
He has learned to accept me as I am, and I can only thank Death for providing space for us to become closer.
Some may say it is rather sad that this is the reality of our relationship, but I am grateful.
We are not aware of what we have until we lose it.
With us, this slow process has allowed us to recognize our loss and cherish the time we have left together.
Earlier today he felt the need to let me know he loves me.
We do not use words for affection, so it was very bittersweet to hear.
So many of my dreams involved him.
It saddens me to know he will not get to meet whoever I become as an adult.
It saddens me to know he will not get to see when I become the first scientist in our family.
It saddens me to know he will not get to meet the person whom I see as my life partner.
It saddens me to know his great grandchildren will not get to meet him.
I will miss him playing his piano or his guitar in every waking moment.
I will miss him playing as I sing Christian songs alongside him.
I will miss his reminders to love God.
I will miss his jokes.
I will miss his hugs.
I will miss him.
I am not ready.
I will never be.