Radio In Utero
The man in a white coat is looking closely at the low-res images on a screen, that is neither huge nor flat. In today’s world of smartphones and tablets, our man of science is tapping away on his keyboard on a machine on wheels that looks like a crazy cross between a Minitel and R2-D2. If he carries on like this maybe they’ll upgrade him to a telephone with a rotary dial and a fax? How about if I show him some apps on my mobile - Babylookalike, Thisisyourdad or 9monthsandme - whatever… just to bring him up to speed.
But right now I’ve realised that things are getting more real and this makes me want to jump and down with happiness but also to keel over. Stretched out at my side, Emma doesn’t seem at all bothered, with her bump reaching up to Mount Fuji. Personally I don’t think I’m quite on top form but I’m putting on a brave front which is technically quite difficult since my face feels like it’s in rigor mortis.
While the expert in future mush-eaters to look at his data, and we’re waiting for ages, maybe I’ll have a bit of a chat with you, son. I reckon that talking to you will help. Soon you’re going to drop into my life, park yourself on my sofa and empty the fridge. In my head, you seem a bit like a mate who’s got nowhere to sleep and who turns up with a bag of dirty clothes and a washed-out face.
If you like, we could arrange some ‘mush’ nights with dark chocolate for some people and lager for others. We’d talk about those special moments that you’d like to collect in a jar, the sort we treasure for being incredibly and totally superficial because life, let me tell you now, is all about these kind of moments – the smell of cheese on toast, snow on your face, that vinegary tang on chips, the landscape rolling past the train window, rain pattering on a skylight above you… it’s a long list, believe me. In fact I reckon everyone should have to have a good dose of these moments on a regular basis. Let everything just run through your head, with no regrets or risk, without needing to clutter up a space in your head for all with all the junk you collect.
Don’t worry, I completely get it that your settling in will be more permanent than the mate who’ll get a boot up the rear. Don’t fret either about all the things that are going to happen, we’ll be able to dream up a bunch of stuff together and then together we’ll make the best jar of moments. While we’re waiting for you, I’m going to make a little pod, just for you, nice and quiet with pictures of rockstar babies on the walls, a little handheld drum and a few Bukowski books with some nice stories to help you get to sleep.
Our Dr Ross wannabe is muttering away to his futuristic screens and we can’t believe what we’re hearing. It sounds like he’s saying “Good lord! what on earth…” Now that is the sort of thing you definitely do not want to hear when the force is not with you, when any little thing you hear like that has the power to flip you over right away to the dark side, conjuring the most scary, hideous, crazy things.
I feel as if my head is exploding. Just like those jolts you sometimes make when you’re sleeping. Those sudden massive twitches, like an electrical shock, that are supposed to remind us we’re alive. And just so you know… I think I collapsed. The screen went dark and I’m not talking about the doctor’s but my own personal screen on the world. Like there is a veil over my eyes. I suppose I was literally stunned, which you could say is my way of always trying to be relaxed and easygoing.
I’d told myself that you were going to be a a Jedi or a mini Ringo Starr but we’ve just had our expectations turned on their head. We are going to get a very special Twofer – a two-for-the-price-of-one offer. So while we’re now waiting for twins we have three options to consider: boy and girl, two mini cowboys or Barbies. Fans of caution might well sneer “Life in plastic, it’s fantastic”.
OK, so our family is going to be a bit bigger. We’ve still got to wait to see what the make-up of the team will be. Maybe it’s best to start digesting the news before jumping straight into the biggest game of my life.