The dryad who lives inside the oak tree has been terrorizing the condo building dwellers for generations. She throws acorns and pours sap and drops pollen on their cars, and causes severe allergies ... [+]
The pundits say the zombie economy is complicated because they have no economy. The cornerstone of any economy is money. Zombies lack money. They have no jobs except for biting and staring. They are not allowed even to enter the bank let alone apply for a credit card or open a checking account. They have no cash. Not even worn-out coins with an image of a woman with her eyes closed, her fangs sticking out, and her hands with vicious claws spread out above her head. That's why the zombies are on the move. To the more welcoming financial pastures. To the land of opportunities. To the new horizons.
The zombies are moving into our neighborhood in columns of U-Haul trucks with out-of-state plates. They unload their furniture silently, their faces smeared with fake blood, their movements jerky. They had no money for gyms or ballet schools.
We are frilled at first. We smile. We invite them to veggie dinners. We take selfies with them. We try to hire them as gardeners and construction workers. They refuse. Sometimes zombies bite, but mostly they sit on the porches, playing with their phones or staring at us. Their kids scream in ultrasound, and our dogs howl and our cats run away. The zombies come to the chain stores, offices, and banks and stare at the clerks and tellers. All the places of employment are moving out of town. We have no jobs left. Our economy is ruined. The cash we have left is useless.
One backward man among us shoots at a zombie. The zombie is not hurt but the man is arrested. Not for long because the cops run away.
We lose our nerves, pack up, and leave in columns of U-Haul trucks. The newly erected sign behind us says Velcome to Zombieland. It makes sense: the letter V takes less paint than the letter W. More paint left for fake blood.
We arrive at the next town. The locals are frilled at first. They smile. They invite us to veggie dinners. They take selfies with us. We sit on our new porches, play with our phones, and stare at our new neighbors. They try to stare back, but we don't blink and they look away. They already lost all their pets to our children's screams. They will be packing soon. This is a big, welcoming country. Lots of space and the gas is cheap. Many banks are still open.