5
min

What If?

Image of Hareast

Hareast

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Everything still felt like one big dream. I needed to see and believe everything that was going on. I needed proof. I pulled my hands from underneath the covers. My smiley face ring was suddenly in my face smiling a mocking grin at me. There was a smudge of red over its mouth. Was that my blood? I took the ring off to examine it. My memory came crashing down on me like bricks. I was suddenly falling. Maybe not falling but it sure felt like it. Darkness closed in on me as I lost consciousness.
It’s so cold. I grabbed at my body desperate to wrap my blanket closer to me. I opened my eyes when I felt soft velvet under my fingers. I looked around. I was standing in a long line of people. Everyone seemed to be buzzing with excitement and shivering from the cold. It was silent but I could see people’s mouths moving. Suddenly where there was silence I began to hear music and laughter. I looked at the ticket in my hand. How did I get to the concerts venue? Wasn’t I just in the hospital? I moved my legs and checked my face in the camera on my phone. What was happening to me? My phone chimed and I opened my messages. A text from my mom. “Here are the pictures we took before you left. You look beautiful Jo.” I scrolled the pictures she had sent. Wow I did look good. Mom and my sister must have done my makeup. The red lipstick looked amazing against my skin and in contrast to my hair. My hair seemed to glow with an inner light. I looked so happy. I could vaguely remember waking up from my nap and Janelle and mom busting in the room demanding to dress me up for my night on the town. Grandma had taken pictures and feed me bites of cake while I was being pampered. “The lines moving!” Suddenly I was shoved forward as the crowd of people rushed into the concert venue. Once inside everything was a blur of dancing and singing along to my favorite artist. It was the most amazing time of my life. As the final song played I was holstered up onto some random guys shoulders where I got to sing my heart out while I recorded the moment to remember later.
I walked out of the concert smiling and buzzing with happiness. I clinched my new t-shirt I would never wear anything else. I moved my way through the crowd of people still singing and lingering. They were trying to prolong the magic we had just experienced. I wish I could stay longer but it was eleven p.m. I knew Cinderella had to get home before the clock struck midnight. God had finally heard my prayers. I had successfully gotten to do something I wanted without there being a disaster. I begin my walk to the café I told my mom to pick me up from. I could use a cup of hot coco extra whipped cream. I waited until the sing said walk and begin to cross the street. My phone chirped letting me know it was shutting down. Ugh I wouldn’t be able to call mom but I’m sure she would be on time. Suddenly I was flying through the air. I came down hard my head banged against the corner of the curb and I felt like I had broken my cheek. Something warm slid down my face. I wiped the back of my hand across my face and examined the mystery fluid. Bright red blood covered my fingers. My smiley face ring smiled up at me with a side smile.
My mind went blank and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
"Get out. Get out right now!" I could tell Summer had not entered my room expecting me to be angry and trying to escape. "I'm getting out of here. God hates me, and I hate him and everyone else. I'm going to make sure a car hits me and this time I'm not coming back. I'll never waste anymore more energy on hopes. Hope is for people God cares about. I was shaking so hard from the force of was spewing words at Summer. Summer took a step closer to me. Her arms were up in surrender position. I didn't want her to touch me I tried to swing my left leg over to the right side. But was stopped by the huge cast of my right leg. She grasped my shoulders and pulled me into a bear hug. I pushed and tried hard to get her off me.
After a week of my sulking Summer stormed into the room. " Time to let the sun back in. " She paused waiting for me to respond. She got me a fresh gown and began to wash me. Today the water felt extra good. I couldn't feel make anger being washed away. I started crying silently. Where was this coming from I hadn't cried in a week ever since I exploded on my mom. My mom. I hadn't seen her or my family in a week. We'll I've seen them thought the windows of my door. Every day they came to check on me I could hear them talking and joking get with Summer. But they never came inside my room. Guilt washed over me. " Okay Jo all done. Ready to get back in bed? " I shook my head. I couldn't speak to Jo I owed her an apology her and my family." I want to talk to you.
Stop me at any time okay. I know you're angry. I heard you and I understand how you fell. I haven't always had this great life filled with happiness. I used to believe I was unable to be loved and God couldn't know I existed because my prayers where never answered. But one day I had a long talk with a friend and she helped me see that a lot of those 'unanswered prayers’ where an answer from God within themselves. She helped me see all the missed signs and all the things I had survived that God had his hand in making sure I was good. I'm giving you that talk. Everyone fears the unknown we all miss things because of the what ifs. Life passes us by or we worry about things we can't control all because of the what ifs. We look for the worst-case scenario and hold on some tight. But what if the worst-case scenario happens what then? You pray, and you have faith knowing you've survived a hundred percent of your bad days. You'll survive whatever the worst-case scenario is. God has your back just take a step back and see it. He loves you. You have a wonderful family who loves and supports you. If you can't see that big blessing, I'll get her Doc today get you’re a referral to the eye doctor. You took a risk. You tried to have fun and a totally bizarre thing happened today you. But you survived. I'm just saying God hasn't given up on you. The only thing in your way is you."
Summer sat down in a chair beside me she watched my face. I had taken. In every word she said. I was skeptical what I'd I tried again what if I got hurt someone more. What if people leave and my heart breaks. What if I healed and tried a different approach to life. I leaned back into my wheelchair and closed my eyes. My mind buzzed I wasn't feeling hopeful I had condemned God and said terrible things together everyone. I opened my eyes Summer was still watching me. "You think God accepts apologies?" Summer smiled and hugged me tight. "You're already forgive sunshine." Now since you're up how about we try getting those nice physical therapists in here and get you trying to walk some you can get out of this place and start living. She stood up and walked to the phone on myself table. Fear gripped my chest. I nodded myself head in agreement. "Summer what if I don't have the courage to conquer the day? What if his little buddy of hope turns out today be nothing? What if I lose myself nerve. I want to try, and I want to be able to apply myself and not worry about bad luck and disappointments. But. " Summer put her hand up today stop my string of worries. Courage isn't conquering the world at one time it's also starting small. It's having the courage to say sorry and admit you're wrong. It's having the courage to not just settle and allow yourself to dream and want more out of life. First let's call your family and then we can get started in rehab to get you stronger. One step at a time Jo that's how we all make it in the world." For the first time I didn’t the get that terrible feeling when I wanted something. My heart and my head where both looking forward to what was to come.

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