Monday Morning Thoughts

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Demi

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Slipping on your rain boots for the first time, they’re heavier than you remember; it makes you wonder, how will you get through the day? You knew it wouldn’t be easy, what with the first downpour since it happened, not to mention how heavy these boots became. “You can do it”, you try to persuade yourself, “It’s not a lot of walking today, only a few classes.” You believed it, too, until you heard the train slowly creep closer. The stairs were higher than you remember and you looked them right in the eye, attempting to accomplish this small task as painlessly as possible. You know the people behind you are silently judging, cursing you in the safety of their own minds, because you, more than once, did that, too. Oh, the things you took for granted like being able to commute to school in the rain, without thinking twice about it. Now it requires twice the thought it used to; and quadruple the energy. CRACK; thunder struck just above, that was more than enough to send your brain into disarray. You are well aware that loud noises are followed by glimpses of that night. Though they are not easy to rid of, they’re not impossible either. A few tears escaped before you picked up your book as a distraction. That’s what you do now, you read on the train; such a healthy habit for such a detrimental accident. The best part is, it works! Well most of the time anyway, the only exception is that excruciating pain that shoots through your knee. Which as it turns out is right now because it’s not getting any better, despite what the doctor says. You know that your ability to walk is determined by the weather, even though, “There is nothing prohibiting from walking normally”, as he said the last time you were in his office, “It’s your own apprehension.” Frustration courses through your veins because you know how much it hurts, you know your pain threshold is abnormally high, and most of all you know you never complain when it does anyway. You glance out the window, thinking, “God, I hope no one sits next to me”, just as another passenger spots the only seat next to you. He accidentally bumps you as he sits and many, many expletives flow through your brain; that hurt more than it should have. You’re just thankful the ride is almost over, but the next big decision of the day lurks in the background. Stairs or elevator? It’s already been a rough morning, just take the elevator and give yourself a break; but, if you don’t challenge yourself you’ll never get better. Besides, going down is easier than coming up, but what if you take the stairs and you’re winded for the rest of the day? God, you wish this never happened. If this never happened you would still have friends, let alone a job. Not being able to work has been the hardest part, you’ve been working since you were fourteen, consistently, and to just stop out of nowhere? Unheard of. That’s how you put yourself into this mess, you know, but no being able to say no. You always had to work, you always had to have money. Well, look at you now, you have nothing to show for it. You wonder what it would’ve been like that night, had you said no initially. For starters, you would have been able to enjoy yourself at the party, maybe you could have had a drink, too. Remember? You were too worried about taking care of the dogs, well, that backfired a lot of bit. You wonder what would have happened had he not been there; no, you stop yourself. That is way too much for this early in the morning. You wonder what your life would have been like, had the dog not attacked you at all?

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