I open my eyes to complete darkness. My heart is racing, blood pumping, with sweat rolling down my skin. The pressure is undeniable. I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. There he is, looming over me, pinning my arms down. I wince in pain. “It’s ok, you want this.” I say nothing. I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. I am frozen. The ice of his eyes burns through me. A single tear forms in my eye and rolls down my face. When will it end?
June 26th 2015 10:04 PM
I sit, surrounded be pearlized porcelain, as I push the cold serrated edge into my skin, leaving behind a pool of liquid crimson. It starts to sting, but it’s good to feel something for once. It’s the only pain I can control and the last pain I will ever feel. I continue painting my wrists in abstract symmetry, letting the remaining shred of my soul leave my body.
June 27th 2015 7:37 AM
My eyelids flutter open to the sight of florescent white, the smell of disinfectant, and the sound of monotonous beeping. I adjust the weight of body only to wince in pain. My arms lay practically lifeless upon the scratchy bed sheets, mummified by gauze and bandages. A wave of relief fills my body. I'm alive.
October 9th 2015 9:26 AM
I pull into the empty space of the already crowded parking lot, checking to see that I’ve remained in the lines. Putting the vehicle in park, I release a deep, wavering breath. I sit in silence for a few moments, staring out the window at the suburban autumnal landscape. The leaves are aflame with sparks of burnt orange and the sky is filled with ash. These are the types of days where I feel most at peace. There’s a chill in the air, yet everything is still.
I’m brought back to reality at the sound of a car horn blaring and a group of students laughing insufferably. I slouch in my seat, trying my best to avoid the eyes of the passersby. As the voices recede, I grab my bag, exit the car, and make my way towards the school, hearing the car chirp as I go. As I solemnly walk, the crisp air kisses the nape of my neck, lifting the blonde hairs in an upright position. I enter the building, breath held in anticipation, and wade through the sea of people, limiting my eye contact to the bare minimum hoping to go unnoticed.
I readjust my bag on my shoulder and continue the endless trek along the walls of rusty blue metal. I’m almost to my locker when a sudden wave of nausea suffocates me. A tall, ominous figure cascades a shadow along the linoleum floors. My throat closes and my chest collapses into itself leaving me gasping for air. A pair of icy blue eyes pierce through mine and I immediately avert my eyes. I turn the corner into an empty corridor, slamming my body against the wall. It's not him. Breathe.
The shrill of the school bell reverberates throughout my body. I compose myself once again and quicken my pace towards the school auditorium. I settle into my seat, awaiting the start of the coming presentation. My mind wanders during what feels like an eternity of talking until the room erupts in applause. I rise from my chair and take small strides towards the center of the room. Breathe.
October 9th 2015 9:30 AM
“Thank you for that kind introduction, and thank you all for being in attendance. Not long ago, I sat where you all are sitting today, facing the hardships that many high school students endure on daily basis. Anxiety, depression, bullying, harassment and so much more. I reached a point in my life where I thought, what’s the point? That thought led me to the biggest mistake of my life and also the beautiful start of the rest of it. As I stand before you all today, I hope to provide you with the living proof that it does get better. Always remember that it takes a great deal of courage to make it through every day, and even more so to make it when you feel least courageous. Conquer each day with the hope that, maybe tomorrow will be better.”