I'm Sorry

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asha

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Do you know how it feels to be replaced? Its like your heart is being squeezed. Like your lost with nowhere to go. seeing your friends laughing with someone else. seeing him with his arm around someone else . I wish you could say your happy, But that would be a lie. that you don’t cry every night, as quietly as you can so that no one hears. I wish you could say that when you see them laughing and having fun without you, you feel happy for them. But that would be a lie. you walk down the school hallways surrounded by your peers but still completely alone. you feel like your drowning and know one sees you. Like you are choking but no one cares. It's feeling like you're always holding back tears and if you open your mouth at the wrong time everything will come pouring out. Sometimes you think it would be better that way. To have everything come out. To say how you feel and how much you hate these people for leaving. For giving up on you. But you also know that they will call you dramatic, they’ll shame you. Your suffering is turned into a joke. A stone to be thrown at you over and over again. And now you are no longer invisible. Just like what you wanted for so long but in many ways this is worse.

Now you walk down the halls with people hissing names and insults your direction. But You do don’t care. You don’t really care about anything any more. But I promise if you can just hold out for a little longer it will get better. If you are strong, which I know you are.
But you don’t want to hold on. Because in the midst of all the nothing you feel you desperately want everything to end.
If you had held on you would have met new people who would become lifelong friends and much needed lifelines. If you had held on you would have met a sweet, strong woman who would have loved you more than you love yourself. she would have helped you out of this endless pit you have fallen into and in turn you will pull him out of an abyss of her own. But I cannot blame you for letting go.

This world has not been kind to you. So no. I don’t blame you for that day. When your dad found the note on the kitchen counter saying.

"Dad i’m sorry i disappointed you. I didn’t mean to.
I promise. I tried but i’m not strong and i never have been."

The sound of his knees hitting the floor when he saw you will forever haunt me. The sound of the sobs that wracked his body as he cradled your limp lifeless body, when he closed your sightless eyes that would forever be looking toward the sky. The 2 empty pill bottles rolling down the slightly sloped floor.

"I'm sorry"

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